Filed by Steve Barrett
I broke down and saw Poseidon — the slick remake of 1972’s gloriously fun, heart-wrenching Poseidon Adventure. I guess they figured Adventure in the title this time around might detract from the inviolable coolness they were trying to create.
In keeping with that theme, there was a near-total absence of any major player in the film who wasn’t pretty. A haggard Richard Dreyfuss was the lone exception. Pretty much everybody else could have been on a runway somewhere, or in a swimsuit ad.
Where was the equivalent of the character in the original film who was played by Shelley Winters. You may recall the tear-worthy performance she gave just prior to perishing of a heart attack after an impossibly long swim hauling another passenger to safety. In her younger days, she recounted, she had been a champion swimmer, and age and obesity weren’t going to keep her from saving a life.
There was no Ernest Borgnine this time around, no Red Buttons — nobody, in short, who was remotely real. Just a bunch of models strutting around, faking emotion and doing remarkably stupid things designed to attract the attention of an audience of 15-year-olds — and the occasional 36-year-old who didn’t have the sense to stay away.
Do yourself a favor: Torpedo any plans to see this one.
E-mail Steve Barrett at firstname.lastname@example.org