Hey, the college football picks are back! (Applause fades)
Oh.
Anyway, here’s the deal: I pick the SEC games against the spread, make a few jokes that are just slightly funnier than defensive coordinator Vic Koenning’s comments about Julio Jones and B.J. Scott (note to Koenning: if, 10 minutes later, you have to go around and tell people you were joking, you have made a bad joke), and you make lots of money. Then, naturally, you send me a large check.
Last year, I went 55-29-2 against the spread in the SEC games. That’s like, totally super-awesome, and yet I’m relegated to the Internet. Which is good, because last year’s mark guarantees an absolutely awful record this year. Now that I’ve gotten you excited....here are the picks!
Tennessee (-7.5) at UCLA: In honor of coach Rick Neuheisel, let’s start the betting with a UCLA game. I’m sure he would approve. The folks at UCLA ran ads in Los Angeles newspapers this week that proclaimed, “The football monopoly in Los Angeles is officially over.” Really? I have a feeling USC wouldn’t be touchdown underdogs at home against the Vols.
Pick: Take Tennessee
N.C. State (+13.5) at South Carolina: Gamecocks running back Mike Davis allegedly broke into a locked refrigerator in the weight room to get some sports drinks last Sunday and won’t start. They are clearly not paying the players at South Carolina, and now Koenning has no material for the season finale. Next time, Vic.
Anyway, N.C State is starting a redshirt freshman at quarterback. Also, a lot of my friends went to N.C. State and they’re going to the game. My dad went to South Carolina and he’s helping me move. Karma states this is an easy choice.
Pick: Gamecocks cover; Davis drinks 42 Gatorades during the game
Vanderbilt (+4.0) at Miami (OH): The Commodores can’t win. Every time they return a bunch of starters, everyone says, “That’s not a good thing!” And then when they return almost no one, like this year, everyone says, “They’ve got no chance!” It’s like Vanderbilt hasn’t been good for a long time or something.
Pick: Take Miami (OH)
Memphis (+7.0) at Ole Miss: Ed Orgeron is gone, and so are all the jokes for this space. Houston Nutt said that defensive linemen Peria Jerry and Greg Hardy are both out, but defensive tackle Ted Laurent will play. I have nothing else to add. I miss you, Ed.
Pick: Ole Miss covers
Mississippi State (-8.0) at Louisiana Tech: I have a bad feeling about this game for Sylvester Croom. Star safety/kick returner Derek Pegues is suspended and left tackle Derek Sherrod, according to Croom, will likely be limited if he plays at all. Those are two players the Bulldogs can’t afford to lose, particularly after their original left tackle, Mike Brown, was booted from the team for doing his best Brandon Johnson imitation with a gun.
Pick: La. Tech covers
Hawaii (+34.5) at Florida: My friend Baxter is vacationing in Maui and, like most vacationers in Maui, visited a...book store? (!) Anyway, he e-mailed me pictures of a book about Hawaii’s 2007 season. It is called: “The Perfect Season.” Wha???? In this book, which, again, is called “The Perfect Season,” there’s a recap of Hawaii’s loss to Georgia that’s inside a book called, “The Perfect Season.”
Look for a book detailing Hawaii’s loss to the Gators called, “The Perfect Game.”
Pick: Florida covers. Perfect.
Alabama (+4.5) at Clemson: Let’s see: fans will be tailgating all day for this 8 p.m. game, and the Dome is selling beer until halftime. I would not want to be driving around Atlanta after midnight. Oh wait, I will. Tell my family I love them.
Pick: Clemson covers
Louisiana-Monroe (+26.5) at Auburn: I would be worried if I were Louisiana-Monroe. Not because of an impending blowout, but because the Tigers are a fightin’ bunch, and they are probably ready to fight someone else. This game might resemble “The Last Boy Scout.”
Pick: Louisiana-Monroe covers
Kentucky (+4.0) at Louisville: I have a feeling we won’t see 74 points scored like in last year’s game. You know what you might see 74 times? Rich Brooks cursing on the sidelines. I don’t trust Kentucky’s new personnel on the road.
Pick: Take Louisville
