The 12 Days of Christmas (Chattanooga style ...)

If you’d like to give your true love all the gifts in the “12 Days of Christmas,” get ready to write a big check. Below is a list of locally available “12 Days of Christmas” gifts (or reasonable substitutes) with a bottom-line price of $6,631.93. Hint: If the recession has put a dent in your wallet, skip the maids a-milking. Labor, it turns out, is expensive.

DAY 1

A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: When it’s true love, you don’t think, you know. Get a few laughs by picking up a Partridge Family album on vinyl at Chad’s Records on Vine Street. Then take that someone special (or Mom) in your life out for a holiday season drink and dessert at 212 Market. Chef Susan Moses and sommelier Carter York recommend pairing the roasted pear tart with a Dow’s Boardroom Tawny Port.

COST: “The Partridge Family” albums range from $6 to $10 at Chad’s; $5 for the tart, $7 for the port.

RING UP: At least $18.

DAY 2

TWO TURTLE DOVES

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY:

Who needs more birds when you’re already counting an assortment of swans, geese, calling birds and French hens? Instead, think candy, as in Nestle Turtles and Dove chocolates.

COST: You’ll get out cheap with these “Turtle Doves” if you buy them from the candy rack — just $1 for three Turtle pieces and 60 cents for five pieces of Dove chocolate at the neighborhood Family Dollar. The price goes up, of course, for bigger boxes. To really impress your true love, go online to www.MyDoveChocolate.com, where you can purchase Dove candies individually wrapped with your personalized message.

RING UP: $1.60

DAY 3

THREE FRENCH HENS

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY:

Simple, just drive over to The Epicurean on Ringgold Road and order the chicken cordon bleu. There you have it: a hen and French dish all in one. Cordon bleu, en Francais, means “blue ribbon,” and Voula and John Petros, owners of The Epicurean, say it’s definitely a winning meal. As the French would say, “Ceci est grand!”

COST: $9.75 (lunch), $10.50 (dinner).

RING UP: At least $29.25.

DAY 4

FOUR CALLING BIRDS

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: No calling birds handy? How about some bird calls. Bag a turkey and bring it home for dinner. Yes, learning the art of turkey calling takes some time, but it’s not as hard as using a duck call, said Jaimie Hensley, manager of Dick’s Sporting Goods on Gunbarrel Road. Once you get the hang of it, the birds will come. However, you need to be a quick learner because turkey season ends Friday, according to the National Wild Turkey Federation.

COST: $20 to $25 each.

RING UP: At least $80.

DAY 5

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY:

December is the most popular time for engagements, but the economy has left many would-be proposers with empty pockets. To counter this, David Morgan, owner of Bench Vizion Jewelry Designs on Hixson Pike, is giving away five wedding sets to five individuals who write the best essay on why they cannot afford to propose to their sweetheart this holiday season. Receiving a free quarter-carat diamond ring and wedding band has never been this easy. Applicants just need to write a one-page essay explaining their situation. The ones that pull hardest at the heart strings win.

COST: Free if you win. Each engagement ring sells for $599, and wedding bands run from $89 to $189.

RING UP: $445 for five bands.

DAY 6

SIX GEESE A-LAYING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: ‘Tis NOT the season to buy geese alaying. Like chickens, geese shut down production in winter. And if it’s laying geese you seek, it’s domesticated geese you need since you can’t nab a clutch of Canada geese from the Soddy-Daisy Budweiser factory lawn. Wild geese lay (relatively) rarely. Goose eggs, unlike chicken eggs, tickle so few palates, farmers who raise geese are just as rare. The solution? Order online. Several top hatcheries, including McMurray Hatchery and Ideal Poultry, offer White Chinese geese (the layin’est kind). Unavailable until March, your goslings won’t produce a single egg until much, much later. But if giant fresh eggs aren’t worth waiting for, what is?

COST: From McMurray Hatchery: 10 White Chinese pullets (buy extra to avoid “disappointments”) $97.10, brooder starter kit $64.30, 50 pounds organic duck starter feed $40.05, ground shipping $46.13.

RING UP: $247.58.

DAY 7

SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: You must have the desire to be a competitive swimmer — that means a couple of hours of practice in the pool six days a week, year-round. You must have a keen knowledge of each stroke and be willing to travel to cities near and far to compete. The benefit of competitive swimming is that you may find you’re Olympic material (think of Michael Phelps!), and it’s a sport that you can participate in until you reach a ripe, old age.

COST: Belonging to the Scenic City Aquatic Club costs from $60 to $90 each month.

RING UP: $420.

DAY 8

EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: Several Mayfield Dairy suppliers might need to be tapped to find eight women who milk cows every day. However, once the milk gets to Mayfield, according to public relations manager Bridgett Raper, at least eight women help turn out an average of 170,000 gallons of milk-related items and 60,000 gallons of ice cream-related items per day.

COST: Eight women working for Gary and Jeanette Mason’s Harmonyway Dairy Farm in Niota, Tenn., a supplier for Mayfield Dairy of Athens, Tenn., would be paid $480 each.

RING UP: $3,840.

DAY 9

NINE LADIES DANCING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY:

Members of Terpsichord at Girls Preparatory School train a minimum of four days a week and many of them put in more hours, according to director Cathie Kasch.

“Girls are admitted with varying degrees of dance training but must exhibit a strong natural ability and physical conditioning that enables them to keep up with the rigorous dance schedule and degree of technical difficulty,” said Ms. Kasch. “Creativity is also taken into consideration since the majority of our work is student choreography.” COST: This gift is a bargain. Ms. Kasch said the group doesn’t have a set fee. “We take honorariums when it’s not a community-service performance, which we happily do for free.”

RING UP: Free for a good cause.

DAY 10

10 LORDS A-LEAPING

DIFFICULTY: Not too tough to watch but challenging to try yourself. Head over to Southern Adventist University in Collegedale and check out the Gym Masters, a gymnastic/acrobatic team under the supervision of coach Rick Schwartz. Their annual home show is a bit post-Christmas, at the end of March, but they’ve performed at halftime during NBA games as well. They’re not technically lords a-leaping, but they are expert at leaping for the Lord.

COST: Fee for an assembly show is between $400 and $500 to recruit. The annual home show is $5 to view.

RING UP: At least $400.

DAY 11

11 PIPERS PIPING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: Pretty high, if you’re trying to learn to play Highland bagpipes, our instrument of choice. “Most instruments require some degree of physicality to play, but with the bagpipes, it’s a big part of it,” said Russ Spaulding, pipe master for the City of Chattanooga Pipe Band. “Some people don’t have what it takes to do it or don’t want to put in the effort to do it.” If you want to learn to play even simple tunes, expect to spend eight to 10 months on a practice chanter before even touching a full set of pipes.

COST: Training up your own set of 11 pipers — 11 practice chanter ($550); 11 sets of pipes ($12,000-$40,000); 11 uniforms ($11,000). Total cost: $23,550-$51,550. Or you could book the City of Chattanooga Pipe Band, which has 11 pipers, for about $1,000.

RING UP: $1,000.

DAY 12

12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING

DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: To see them live would be impossible since many aren’t touring anymore or have died, but picking up CDs of the top 12 names on Rolling Stone’s list of best drummers simply requires some time on Amazon.com.

COST: Neil Pearl of Rush, “Permanent Waves” ($9). John Bonham of Led Zeppelin, “Led Zeppelin IV” ($15). Ginger Baker of Cream. “Goodbye” ($9). Keith Moon of The Who. “Who’s Next” ($10). Terry Bozzio with Missing Persons and Frank Zappa. “Spring Session M” ($10). Bill Bruford of Yes. “Tales from Topographic Oceans” ($15). Danny Carey of Tool. “10,000 Days” ($15). Mike Portney of Dream Theater. “Systematic Chaos” ($19). Ian Paice of Deep Purple. “Machine Head” ($7). Carl Palmer of Emerson, Lake & Palmer. “Trilogy” ($11). Stewart Copeland of The Police. “Ghost in the Machine” ($8.50). Dave Lombardo of Slayer. “Christ Illusion” ($22).

RING UP: $150.50.