McLeod: Gimme my babies Hollywood style

I want a do-over with my two kids. Not the kids themselves; they’re absolutely fabulous.

What I’d like another crack at is pregnancy, childbirth and the whole postpartum thing because, clearly, I didn’t manage it correctly the first time.

If I’ve learned one thing from the recent celebrity stork parade, it’s this: Stars reproduce differently than the rest of us. And frankly, they’re better at it.

Forget natural childbirth, underwater births or even drug-induced labor. I want a Hollywood birth.

Consider this: A mere four days after the arrival of her daughter, Nicole Kidman was spotted having lunch with her girlfriends at a Nashville eatery.

Did anyone actually see her push that baby out? I’m sort of curious here because four days after I delivered a real, live baby, my body was such a sloppy, leaky mess that I could barely leave the couch.

Yet while lesser moms would have been parked on a rubber doughnut, a “relaxed and glowing” Kidman must have had a hankering for some chicken salad, because according to People magazine, she enjoyed a lovely lunch (sans baby) “laughing and talking” with her friends.

OK, I get that if you’re rich you probably have help, so you’re not loopy with sleep deprivation like the rest of us. But what magic pill do these celebrities take to make labor and delivery so doggone easy? I mean really, is there some newfangled way to get a baby out of your body that leaves you all neat, clean and social-outing fresh? Let’s be honest — quit reading now if you’re squeamish — having a baby is a bodily fluid bonanza, and it doesn’t stop when you bring the little bugger home. Stuff seeps out of everywhere, including places you didn’t even know could leak.

Apparently celebrities are immune to engorged breasts, gassy innards and bleeding “lower regions.” Otherwise they wouldn’t be nibbling chicken salad and chatting with their girlfriends. They’d be on the phone crying to their mother asking her why she didn’t tell them it would be this hard and painful.

Yet Kidman’s amazing recovery aside — I heard she did a full back bend in yoga class just days before the blessed event, god bless her skinny little soul — I have to wonder if celebrity ob-gyns charge more than the regular docs.

I’m kind of thinking that a doctor who tells you how to keep your arms thin and who makes sure your skin stays acne free and dewy for nine months isn’t part of the usual HMO plan.

Which brings me to another issue: Am I the only one who’s noticed how many celebrities have twins? Talk about better medical care. Not only do their bodies stay perfect, but instead of bringing home just one baby, celebs like Angelina, Marcia and J. Lo come home with two.

Yes, yes, I know Brad Pitt, Marc Anthony and whoever the heck Marcia Cross is married to are super studs. But do you really think all these celebrity twins are Mother Nature’s way of prettying up the planet?

I think not.

I don’t know if it’s the $5 per bottle water they drink, the exercises they do or the doctors they hire; celebrities just gestate better.

So next time, I’m opting for a Hollywood birth. What the heck, I’m only 44. On the Hollywood plan, I’ve got time to start two or three more families.

Contact Lisa Earle McLeod at www.forgetperfect.com