Taking Sides: Tempers flare, so what do you do?

Mark Kennedy: My two sons are ages 20 months and 6 years. Sometimes they meet in the middle and both act like 3-year-olds. My little one has taken to folding his arms and saying “no.” My older son is still capable of meltdowns, too, especially when he is over-tired. Sometimes they seem to feed off one another and spiral downward. Then, the next thing you know, the tantrum impulse passes and they are pals again.

Karen Nazor Hill: My only grandchild, an 18-month-old girl, is beginning to show signs of a pretty powerful temper, particularly if she’s tired or hungry. She, her mom and dad, are staying with my husband and me as they prepare to move into the house next door. This morning, as I was walking out the door to go to work, she started crying because she didn’t want me to go. Instead of giving me a goodbye kiss, she began crying (and she has a high-pitched cry), wouldn’t let me touch her, and screamed “no, no, no, no.”

Mark: Karen, the key to controlling tantrums seems to me to be dialing down the drama. When my oldest son was 2, we would have these hour-long tests of will that left everybody drained. With child No. 2, we find soft responses — and in some cases ignoring him altogether — seem to resolve things quicker. It’s counterintuitive when your blood pressure starts to rise, but it seems to work. What’s your best tip?

Karen: As a mother of four (now adults) and a first-time grandmother, I have learned that each child requires individualized responses — what works for one child may not work for another. Ignoring my granddaughter works occasionally — it depends on the level of anger. She sometimes hits and when she does, we hold her hands, tell her that she’s not being nice and tell her we love her. It works most of the time. Adults need to remind themselves that babies and young children have feelings of anger just as we do, and it’s OK to be mad sometimes. It’s our job to be patient, understanding and love them unconditionally.

Mark: I think you’re right. Actually, the kids are just doing what we’d do on a bad day if it weren’t socially unacceptable. Honestly, there are days when I want to throw a fit. Instead, we adults resort to sulking, gossiping and, ultimately, having heart attacks. I’m not sure what we do is morally superior to an honest outburst from a kid under stress. Imagine if we didn’t have the vocabulary to even express our frustrations. Under the circumstances, it’s a wonder that youngsters have as much self-control as they do.

Karen: It is hard for us adults to hold in our anger, so of course it’s even harder for our children. If we can remember that, we’re going to be better parents, better people. But we really do have to monitor the anger of our children. Schools today are much less tolerant with unacceptable behavior than schools were a generation ago. There’s an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show” where Andy encourages Opie to take up for himself by punching a kid if the kid punches him first. Today, both Opie and the kid would be suspended or expelled from school. We have to teach our children that bad behavior can have serious consequences.