Lois Hearn believes manners make the world go ’round. Or at least they make the ride more comfortable.
The etiquette consultant says proper etiquette has less to do with following procedure than it does for making other people feel at ease.
“It’s about keeping the focus away from yourself, making sure that the other person is the important person,” Ms. Hearn said.
Ms. Hearn hosts children’s classes and business etiquette seminars to instruct people on proper manners. Most rules are basic: Do not interrupt when someone else is speaking. Send thank you notes within 48 hours. Keep elbows off the table during meals.
But sometimes people find themselves in awkward social situations and no amount of training could prepare them for a proper response. In those situations, Ms. Hearn advises doing what will cause the least amount of embarrassment.
Say, for instance, you eat a piece of meat and chew on a piece of gristle you can’t swallow. It’s most polite to remove the gristle the way you got it in your mouth, with a fork. If you eat an olive and bite into a seed, the seed can be removed with fingers, provided that is how you ate the olive.
Speaking of forks, Ms. Hearn said used utensils are never to be placed on the table. Nor is the napkin to be removed from your lap until you leave the table.
When in a business group setting, diners should never try unfamiliar food and should order something simple instead. A good host or hostess will recommend a dish.
Eat at a casual pace and refrain from taking large bites that can create awkward silences.
“If in doubt, take a smaller bite than what you think,” she said. “Eyeball it first.”
What if a friend serves you a meal you dislike the taste of? Ms. Hearn says taking one bite is appropriate before politely refusing any more. If you are allergic to something your host serves, decline from the outset.
Firm handshakes are important, but sometimes people shake too strongly or for too long, she said. Ms. Hearn says there’s not much someone can do to wriggle out of a lengthy handshake, though she sometimes grimaces if someone squeezes too hard.
“You don’t want to offend that person; but it tells them, like, maybe next time they’ll be a little softer,” she said.
If someone chats you up for too long at a party, politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Tell the other person you had a great time talking but need to speak to someone else or grab a quick drink.
The same applies to an awkward date. If you’re out with someone who is rude or condescending, wait 30 minutes, then politely say you have to cut the date short.
Headaches come in handy, Ms. Hearn said.
Introductions represent another source of apprehension for many people. Instead of immediately introducing yourself at a gathering, pause slightly to give your host or hostess time to introduce you.
Ms. Hearn thinks young people lack the manners of older generations because young people are introduced to a more casual culture.
“I think when people think casual, they think manners are not important,” she said.
Little do people know that manners make or break job interviews, dates and potential friendships. People are judged when they least expect it, Ms. Hearn warns, though too often people do not realize they lack proper etiquette.
The best way to get around awkward situations is to avoid it. Ms. Hearn advises people to keep their private lives private, especially at work, lest their bosses hear about wild weekends.
