End of days in ‘2012’ is too long in coming

CASEY PHILLIPS: Director Roland Emmerich must have been the bane of plastic Army men and ant hills as a child, because he’s clearly fascinated by wanton destruction.

After blowing up the White House in “Independence Day,” laying waste to New York City in “Godzilla” and flash-freezing, well, everyone in “The Day After Tomorrow,” Emmerich has combined every disaster-movie archetype imaginable into one over-the-top, cataclysmic melting pot with “2012.”

The special effects are outstanding, but you knew that from trailers showing aircraft carriers crushing the White House (Emmerich’s nemesis, apparently), mega tsunamis flooding the Himalayas, and California cracking like an egg hit by a baseball bat. What the trailers didn’t reveal about this two-and-a-half-hour beast was the ham-fisted dialogue between buildings imploding.

Also, prepare to rip off your plausibility scout badge at the door because your brain may melt trying to make sense of all the pseudo science and mythology that passes as a plot.

HOLLY LEBER: Casey is 100 percent correct, and, yet, I still had fun watching “2012.”

Did I buy for one second that John Cusack would have been able to dodge falling buildings and exploding concrete driving a limousine? That saving giraffes would have been a priority as the world as we know it comes to an end? Or that Chiwetel Ejiofor would really have had the time, in the midst of using his Ph.D-acquired skills to try to keep a small percentage of the human race alive, to hit on Thandie Newton? Of course not (actually, the last part, maybe).

Do I think anyone who finds this premise remotely plausible to be off his proverbial rocker? You bet. But for anyone in the mood to watch a lot of stuff (including Yellowstone National Park) blow up, crumble down or otherwise be reduced to smithereens, this movie is for you. Also, anyone with a fondness for Pomeranians. Apparently, they will be the dog of the rich and overindulged in a few years. I make no effort to understand dog people.

CASEY: I had fun watching “2012,” too — at first. The film is just too long.

When you’re force-fed so much destruction, the thrills start to wane. Every second is supposed to be precious at the end of days, but I found myself wishing everyone would go ahead and die. Everyone but Woody Harrelson, whose cameo as a loony radio prophet was one of the movie’s only memorable roles.

HOLLY: Casey! No no no. You can’t kill off John Cusack. Not when he’s trying to win back Amanda Peet’s affections, you know, in the midst of trying not to be decimated by the whole Earth-being-blown-to-kingdom-come thing. I was half expecting him to whip out a boom box. What are you thinking?