Without kids, what would we do for laughs?
On the commute home from school the other day, my 8-year-old son uncharacteristically began to rant like a grown-up.
"This Christmas thing is making me crazy," he said, clutching his temples. "Daddy, I saw a place that's already selling Christmas trees. It's not even Thanksgiving yet."
"I know," I said, hoping to keep him on a roll. "It's horrible."
"I mean, I'd rather see a place selling dead turkeys," he said, exasperated.
Just when I thought he had cooled down, he let fly with another pet peeve.
"And Daddy, how can Rhode Island not be an island?" he said, randomly. "I always thought it was an island with this little road to it. You know: Road? Island?"
"Yup," I said. "That would be logical."
A minute passed.
"And why do Army and Navy have football teams?" he said. "Don't they have to stop playing if a bunch of the guys have to go off to a war?"
"I guess they work around it," I said.
"Daddy, all my friends say Texas is the biggest state," he said. "Don't they know about Alaska?"
"I guess not," I said. "People forget about Alaska."
We pulled into the garage and he flung open the door and ran inside.
"Man," I thought. "Second grade is scrambling this boy's brain."
The next day on a family drive, little brother, barely 3 years old, also copped an attitude.
"You want a Slush, son?" I said as we drove, congratulating myself for being a generous father.
"Slush-EE," he said. "Daddy, it's Slush-EE."
"OK, Slush-EE," I repeated.
"Good job, Daddy," he said.
"Great," I thought, "I've got the world's only patronizing 3-year-old."
"Something sneaks," the boy chirped.
"Excuse me?" I said.
"Something SNEAKS!," he shouted.
"Oh, stinks," I said. "Yeah, it's somebody burning leaves."
"Well, it sneaks," he repeated, arms crossed.
Earlier we had passed a wreck on the freeway. There was an ambulance and police on the scene.
"Whobody got hurt?" the boy asked.
"What?" I said.
"WHO-BODY-GOT-HURT," he repeated slowly, articulating each syllable as if he were talking to a complete imbecile.
Sometimes it feels like I am the child, and the boys are the adults.
A case in point: As I sat on the couch with my 3-year-old the other night, he reached up and pinched my left cheek.
"You little sneaker," he said, arching his eyebrows.
OK. That's it.
Kennedy is the content editor of the Times Free Press Life sections and writes the “Life Stories” column. Previously, he was the first Sunday editor of the Times Free Press. Before Chattanooga’s newspapers were merged in 1999, Kennedy was the coordinating editor of the Chattanooga Times, where he had previously been an education reporter, feature writer and team leader. His first newspaper job was as sports editor of the Cleveland (Tenn.) Daily Banner. Kennedy’s human ...
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