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A professor is speaking to a group of newly arrived freshmen boys about the college rules. The professor begins with a talk about the dorm rooms.
"If you get caught in a girl's dorm room after 9 o'clock, you will get a $50 fine. If you get caught twice, you get a $100 fine. If you get caught three times, you get a $250 fine and suspension for a week at the least."
One of the young men raises his hand and asks, "How much for a yearly pass?"
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means):
* Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)
* Karen is an endless fount of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.)
* Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)
* Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)
* Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (She stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)
* Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)
* Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment, she creates a class argument.)
* John enjoys the thrill of challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)
* An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)
* I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)
* Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)
* I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the eighth grade.)
* Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking.)
The pros weigh in
Observations on school from professional comics, as compiled at www.jokes.com.
* "We had to practice what to do in case the Communists dropped the bomb on us. Like that would be the first place they'd bomb -- a Catholic grade school." -- Kevin Meaney
* "You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, 'You know, I want to teach, but I don't want to read'?" -- Jim Gaffigan
* "I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things." -- Ted Alexandro
* "I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too." -- Dat Phan
* "My friends say, 'Rocky, you don't seem that old.' I say, 'That's because I read at a third grade level -- keeps me young." -- Rocky LaPorte
* "I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, 'Hey Pop, I got a B in reading!' He goes, 'That's a D, you idiot!' " -- Rocky LaPorte
* When I was in high school, I was in the French club. We didn't really do anything. Every once in a while, we'd surrender to the German club." -- Brian Kiley
* "If you look in your high school yearbook, it's so great 'cause the stuff people wrote in there -- very sincere. I want to call people based on what they wrote in my yearbook. Like, I haven't talked to them since, just call 'em up: 'Hey Susan, what's going on? This is Laura. What am I doing? Staying sweet, just like you said. Thanks for the advice; it is really working out for me.' " -- Laura House
* "I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher's going to go up there and go, 'OK, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks?" -- Todd Barry
* "I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down." -- Eric Kornfield
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.