published Friday, July 15th, 2011

Laugh Lines

Selling points

These ads are said to have appeared in newspapers around the world.

* Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

* For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

* Help wanted: Singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

* For sale: Hope chest, brand new, half off, long story.

* Help wanted: Adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

* Lost: Small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Wanted: Man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

* Three-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

* Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour.

* Our sofa seats the whole mob, and it’s made of 100 percent Italian leather.

* Full-size mattress. 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

* NordicTrack, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

* Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

* Open house: Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

* Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat, been out awhile. Better be reward.

* Exercise equipment: Queen-size mattress & box springs, $175.

* Alzheimer’s center prepares for an affair to remember.

* Free Yorkshire terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

* Free puppies: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor’s dog.

* Free puppies: Part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

* German shepherd, 85 pounds. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

* Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

* Bill’s Septic Cleaning: We haul American-made products.

* Cows, calves never bred, and also one gay bull for sale.

* Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

* Hummels. Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, then we have it!”

* 1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

* Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

* Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

* Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, automatic, excellent condition, $6,800.

Fighting words

A tough-looking biker had been in the bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.

“All right,” he said loudly, coming back inside. “I’m going to have a shot of whiskey, and if my hog ain’t back up front by the time I’m done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!”

With that, many of the customers ran out of the bar. Within moments, one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him.

When the tough guy started to leave, the bartender said, “Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?”

The biker replied casually: “I had to walk back to my hotel.”

Basic BASIC

A computer programmer was teaching a class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. The acronym stands for Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code, and the language is designed to be easy to use.

Still, it had been his experience that adults who have never been around computers tend to be nervous and much harder to teach than children. So he was taking things very slowly.

After putting a short program on the board, the instructor told the students to type R-U-N and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room. The student said, “I did what you said, and it didn’t work.”

Knowing that it’s easy to make mistakes when typing, the instructor suggested she retype R-U-N and press return.

A few seconds later, the woman’s hand went up again.

“It still doesn’t work,” she insisted.

So the instructor went to her desk to see if he could figure out the problem — and discovered that instead of typing R-U-N, she had entered “Are You In.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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