published Friday, July 22nd, 2011

Laugh Lines

She's fab-u-lous

Dolly Parton kicked off her Better Day world tour in grand style Sunday at Thompson-Boling Arena in Knoxville. During the 21/2-hour show, she played a half-dozen musical instruments and took a run through bluegrass, country, rock, pop, rhythm and blues and gospel music.

And there was even one hip-hop song to promote a new movie, "Joyful Noise," coming in January. In the film, she and Queen Latifah portray dueling singers vying to take over a church choir.

Here's an excerpt from Parton's rap, with a reference to her trademark bosom.

Now I don't hip, and I don't hop.

I'd black both eyes with this big top.

I know the Queen has got 'em too,

But she don't work 'em like I do.

A courtroom scene

A witness is testifying in a case in which a man is accused of biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony that seemed particularly damaging for the defendant, the witness is being cross-examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the claimant in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of it, you went to hide behind the bushes ?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time in hiding, you turned your back to the scene?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And then you testified that while your back was turned, that's when the defendant bit off the claimant's ear?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: OK, so if your back was turned to the fight, then you must have had the claimant and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you see the defendant bite off the claimant's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: (Smugly) Then how do you know that the defendant bit off the ear of the claimant if you did not see him do it?

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

(Dead Silence)

Attorney: No more questions.

Brave beyond measure

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen.

The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives, "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: If anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash.

Everyone turns around and sees the chief financial officer in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure, and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can start by telling me who pushed me in the pool!"

Walmart vs. heaven

If you consider Walmart to be God's gift to shoppers, then you'll recognize the similarities between the kingdom of heaven and the home of everyday low prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates.

Walmart: Some old guy named Pete greets you at the automatic doors.

Heaven: Eternal.

Walmart: Open 24 hours.

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire.

Walmart: Where old people go when they retire.

Heaven: Plenty of room for everyone who loves God.

Walmart: Plenty of parking for everyone who loves a bargain.

Bit part

A young man had moved to New York to make his mark on Broadway. One day, he called home with exciting news. His father answered the phone.

"Dad, I have my first role as an actor," the son said. "I play the part of a man who's been married 25 years."

Dad says, "That's a good start, son. Just keep at it, and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."

No luck at all

A husband and wife were in a boat on the lake. While he fished, she whiled away the hours reading a book.

The game warden motored up and asked the man, "Don't you know this is a private lake? It would be breaking the law to take any fish from here."

"Actually, officer," the wife interrupted, "for him it would be miraculous."

Unseasoned

Mailman No. 1: "A dog bit me on the leg this morning."

Mailman No. 2: "Did you put anything on it?"

Mailman No. 1: "No, he liked it plain."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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