Better advice

On his 85th birthday, Percy went for his physical, and the doctor spelled out a couple of concerns. A few days later, the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The doctor said, "Well, Percy, you look like you're doing great, but don't forget what I told you."

Percy replied, "I'm doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma, and be cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

Life truths

• Most people deserve each other.

• All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

• The one who snores will fall asleep first.

• The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

• The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and appropriate as the gifts your neighbors buy their spouses.

• Never get overly excited about a man or a woman by just the way he or she looks from behind.

• The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Drinking woes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots, and make them doubles."

The bartender lines up seven shot glasses and tilts the bottle. As he pours each drink, the man begins slugging them down. First one, then the next and so on until all seven disappear almost as quickly as they are served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks, "If you don't mind my asking, why are you doing all this drinking?"

The man says, "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What do you have, pal?"

The man replies, "A dollar."

Now hear this

An elderly couple are sitting in church when the woman begins to feel a little gassy. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "Oh, my, I just let a silent toot. What do you think I should do?"

He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Drinking buddies

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

The economy is so bad...

• Jury duty now is considered a good-paying job.

• Banks are mailing out predeclined credit cards.

• When you order a burger, the counter clerk asks, "Can you afford fries with that?"

• ATMs are giving IOUs.

• If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you wonder if they mean you or the bank.

Alaska nights

Did you hear about the Eskimo woman who spent the night with her boyfriend? Next morning she found out she was three months pregnant.

Oopsy daisies

Two skinny old ladies are sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show is in progress.

One leans over to the other and says, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show."

"You're on," says the other old lady, holding up a $5 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbles her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaks through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon hears a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Just then, the naked old lady comes through the exit door, holding up a blue ribbon.

"What happened?" asks her friend.

The naked woman says, "I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

You know ...

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."

Number riddle

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?

A: Nice belt.

• GRAPHIC: Avian influenza's spread

Reunion

A guy is at his 30-year class reunion. When he goes to the punch bowl for a drink, he sees a woman he thinks he knows. He walks up to her and says, "You know, you look like Helen Brown.

Angrily, the woman replies, "Well, you don't look so good in blue yourself."

Quickie

Q: What goes vroom ... screech ... vroom ... screech ... vroom ... screech?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.