published Friday, June 17th, 2011

Laugh Lines

Weiner-gate

Will Rodgers, “The Voice Man” at WEPG-AM 910/TV2 in South Pittsburg, Tenn., offers the following “Lunchtime Editorial.”

While having lunch at a hot dog stand the other day, I was listening to the news by radio, following up on the Internet sex scandals of Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner. In the latest developments, Mr. Weiner was steamed when he learned of the Investigative Committee that was launched to peel back the onions of his inappropriate online activities.

Mr. Weiner discovered his buns were toast when he realized the lies he told didn’t amount to a hill of beans. The committee, formed by Oscar Meijer and Brian Eckrich, spoke to the women with whom Weiner shared correspondence. One woman, from Frankfurt, Germany, who would not give her full name but was only identified as Mrs. Kraut, proved to be the most sour over the issue.

The committee filed a report that was more than a foot long. It revealed that Mr. Weiner was trying to prove that he could still cut the mustard, but he got himself into a fine pickle by sending those lewd pics online to women who all seemed to relish exposing his sleazy activities, which were cheesy to say the least.

Despite the flaw in the slaw of his french-fried political career now publicly exposed, Mr. Weiner seems to have a chip on his shoulder and remains adamant about retaining his congressional position, despite getting a chilly reception from his fellow Democrats, who are urging him to resign, seek help and catch up on his values and morals. Mr. Weiner will be seeking treatment at the Mayo Clinic.

In conclusion, Mr. Anthony Weiner was a man who considered himself a real hot dog with the ladies, but instead was made into lunch meat with a barbecued political future with a huge cost of emotional damages that ballpark estimates have yet to determine.

A slice of humble pie

With the Miami Heat denied an NBA championship, an overconfident LeBron James and company have become a punchline. Here’s a sampling from Fox Sports Radio:

Q: What’s the difference between LeBron James and Saturn?

A: Both are big and gassy, but Saturn has rings.

Q: Why didn’t LeBron James go to college?

A: He couldn’t pass the Finals.

Q: What do LeBron James and Jennifer Anniston have in common?

A: Neither one can get a ring.

HardwoodHoudini.com adds the next two:

* Today is National LeBron James Day; everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.

* If Lebron wanted a ring, he should have stayed in Cleveland and bought one from Terelle Pryor.

And columnist Ryan Rudnansky at bleacherreport.com relates another making the rounds:

“I saw LeBron before the game, and I asked for $1. He gave me 75 cents. I said, ‘Where’s the rest?’ He replied, ‘I don’t have a fourth quarter.’ “

Bless her heart

From thinkexist.com:

“I have fake eyelashes on, and they feel like tarantulas. But they’re not real tarantulas.” — Kellie Pickler

Rock on

You know you’re too old to play gigs when ...

* It becomes more important to find a place onstage for an electric fan than for your amp.

* All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

* You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

* You’ve thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

* The waitress is your daughter.

* You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

* Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

* You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

* You don’t recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

* You can remember seven club names for the same location.

* You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.

* You’re playing the same venue in three months, and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp.

* The only Stones you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

* You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

* Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

* You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.

* The only white powder to be found among the band members is foot talc.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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