Philip Brooker color illustration of heart with crack through it.
(Miami Herald)Frankly, said Jane Geiger, she'd much rather promote healthy marriage than dwell on divorce, but couples with no problems rarely walk through her door.
In the 20 years she has been a relationship counselor, she said, issues dealing with divorce have tripled.
Geiger and her associates recently established the Divorce Wellness Center here as part of their Grace Counseling practice, which also has a location in Birmingham.
"The word grace is on our name and in our model," she said. "It states clearly we are pro-marriage and pro-marriage enrichment."
However, Geiger said, "if you need [to work through a divorce], that's what we'll do. We'll help you mourn, grieve and heal."
She said tries to help divorcing couples to both grieve what is gone and be grateful for what was good.
"They're opposing thoughts," said Geiger, a licensed counselor who also has a doctorate in ministry, "but our distinctive model is to encourage people to carry both."
That thought is carried through in the subtitle of the book she is completing, "Divorce 101: Mental Mixology/How To Hold the Grief and the Gratitude With Grace/7 Steps to Sanity and Peace for Everyone Touched by Divorce."
Geiger, herself, is divorced and has experienced attempting to pair the grief and the gratitude.
"I've been through it," she said. "I've been through the process. [Clients believe] I'll feel more compassion [because] they feel I've known divorce, so I can identify."
What's unusual about Geiger's practice, though, is that it is a nonprofit corporation. Clients make a donation for their session, for others and for the wellness of the community, according to the center.
"When other practices file on insurance, there is a mental health record," she said. "We made a decision not to do that when we started Grace [Counseling]."
The center, open by appointment only, is supported through individuals, corporations, foundations and grants, Geiger said. Its website is www.divorcewellnesscenter.com.
The Times Free Press asked counselor Jane Geiger to offer some useful lists on relationship topics.
MARRIAGE DANGER SIGNS
- Cold communication ("I'd rather see anger and expressiveness than not talking," Geiger said.).
- Lack of honesty.
- Affairs (with another person, work or hobby).
- Unresolved conflict ("In the South," she said, "conflict avoidance is almost a merit badge.").
- Hopelessness.
WEDGE ISSUES
- When you get your values violated.
- External pressures such as the financial stress, unemployment, blended families.
- Refusal to get help.
- Failure to forgive.
- Trauma (such as rape or the death of a child).
IF DIVORCE IS IMMINENT
- Seek healing for the whole family system. The damage can be wide-ranging and even include friends.
- Work on grief and adjustment. Although divorce appears to be in the offing, couples should seek a second or third opinion. "I've seen rabbits pulled out of hats," she said.
- Make peaceful choices. Mediation might be a better choice than courts. Select lawyers who are peaceful and settlement-driven.
- Have a commitment to grow and to lifelong learning. Make choices that don't promote an adversarial process, legal or otherwise.
- Practice mental mixology, the capacity to hold a cup of sorry and a cup of joy. Don't badmouth your divorcing spouse.
KEEPING MARRIAGE PASSIONATE
- Observe the four loves expressed by C.S. Lewis: agape (unconditional), storge (affectionate; having a vision of growing old together), phileo (shoulder-to-shoulder companionship, fun and play) and eros (romantic).
- Work to get each other's aliveness quotient on an equal plane.
- Maintain similar drives, paired with humility.
- Spend quality time with each other.
- Speak the same love language as your partner.