Kennedy: Be cool: Swim with the sharks

I'm a Dairy Queen fan.

As a kid I worked at Derryberrys Drug Store in Columbia, Tenn. Every Saturday on my lunch break, I would walk three blocks to the neighborhood Dairy Queen. I always ordered a cheeseburger, a small order of crinkle-cut fries and a Dilly Bar.

Good memories.

Now, 35 years later, there is a Dairy Queen commercial on television that is making me crazy.

The commercial is about DQ's Cheeseburger Lovers Deal. A guy with a mustache walks onto the set. He's holding an acoustic guitar. There's a blue bar stool with a metronome on top in the foreground (why?) and an illuminated DQ sign in the back.

After a quick pitch about DQ's Cheeseburger Lover's Deal and some cutaways shots of the burgers, Mr. Mustache swings his guitar around and utters what might be the most insipid lines in the history of American television. He says, and I'm quoting: "I'm not just playing a guitar. I'm playing a guitar that sounds like dolphins." (Cue three seconds of dolphin chatter.)

A guitar that sounds like dolphins? Yikes.

I remember the first time I saw this DQ spot with my family. Then, it was a mere curiosity; not yet an object of loathing. My 4-year-old son frowned. My 9-year-old son managed to raise one eyebrow. My wife said, "That was stupid." Meanwhile, I was rendered speechless by the banality of it all.

I remember thinking, "Maybe that's the point. Maybe it's supposed to make you mad so you will share your rage with others - while leaving a word-of-mouth trail about DQ's generous Cheeseburger Lovers Deal. Two singles for $2.22. Two doubles for $3.33."

Watching the Lady Vols on ESPN on Monday night, the DQ ad ran at every commercial break; at least a dozen times in a two-hour broadcast. If this is viral marketing, it's working. It's making me sick.

I fired up Twitter to see what others were saying about the dolphin guitar. To my amazement, about half the people commenting on Twitter think the commercial is extremely funny.

What?

For some time now, I've had this vague feeling that I'm not in on the joke anymore when it comes to some television commercials. Take the new Degree antiperspirant ad. Three dorky-looking guys are given "meat ponchos," and then they're chased through the streets by wolves.

I actually use Degree antiperspirant. Why are these dumb commercials driving me away from products I like?

Maybe I'm just getting old.

No, I refuse to accept that line of reasoning. Early on, I introduced others to the wonderfully loopy Old Spice Man and Dos Equis beer's endearing pitchman The Most Interesting Man in the World. (He is so interesting, in fact, that: "Sharks have a week dedicated to him." Now, that's funny.)

The line between funny and stupid is the width of a hair.

If you want to feed Dilly bars to dolphins, be my guest.

But, please understand, all the cool people are over here with the sharks telling jokes with the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 757-6645. Join him on Facebook at MarkKennedyTFP or on Twitter at @TFPCOLUMNIST.

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