published Friday, May 6th, 2011

5 at 10: Friday mailbag

We have breaking news -- Uncle Mo was ruled out for Saturday's Kentucky Derby. Wow, more to come and more below. Anyhoo, welcome to the regular Friday mailbag. See if you can guess which question the 5-at-10 spent too much time on this week.

From the "7-UP Stinks Studio" here we go...



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    Exercise rider Danny Wright takes Kentucky Derby entrant Soldat and exercise rider Hector Ramos takes Kentucky Derby entrant Uncle Mo for a workout at Churchill Downs Thursday, May 5, 2011, in Louisville, Ky. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

From SteelerFan

Hey Fiver,

Here are my Top 10 Rejected Race Horse Names:

  1. Bold Cadaver
  2. Seattle Slow
  3. Man O’Pause
  4. Smarty Farty
  5. Limpaway
  6. Effeminate Ruler
  7. Alyfrazier
  8. Splint Hog
  9. Night Mare
  10. Buck-ya-butt

Steelerfan,

Great list. We added that to some of the best ones that have been offered up this week. Here is our field of 20 for the Kent-Sucky Derby for racehorse names. Since we can't have a full on sprint -- and since everyone loves a playoff system -- we have seeded the names and will have a tournament. The bottom eight seeds will play in the play-in rounds and then we'll go to a 16-horse bracket. Giddy-up.

Here are the seeded horses:

  1. 1) GlueStick
  2. 2) Buck-ya-butt
  3. 3) Beef-a-Reeno
  4. 4) Watch Me Go #2
  5. 5) NightMare
  6. 6) Sloppy Joes
  7. 7) HeadInTheBed
  8. 8) Seattle Slow
  9. 9) Man O’Pause
  10. 10) Winordie
  11. 11) Bold Cadaver
  12. 12) Smarty Farty
  13. 13) PETAHATA
  14. 14) Ratchet Strap
  15. 15) Don't wait for me
  16. 16) Pure Ina One
  17. 17) Limpaway
  18. 18) Effeminate Ruler
  19. 19) Alyfrazier
  20. 20) Gotthetrots

Play-in round (winners):

  1. 13) PETAHATA vs. 20) Gotthetrots -- Gotthetrots
  2. 14) Ratchet Strap vs, 19) Alyfrazier -- Ratchet Strap
  3. 15) Don't wait for me vs. 18) Effeminate Ruler -- Effeminate Ruler
  4. 16) Pure Ina One vs. 17) Limpaway -- Pure Ina One

First round (winners)

  1. 1) GlueStick vs. 16) Pure Ina One -- GlueStick
  2. 2) Buck-ya-butt vs. 18) Effeminate Ruler -- Buck-ya-Butt
  3. 3) Beef-a-reno vs. 14) Ratchet Strap -- Beef-a-reno
  4. 4) Watch Me Go #2 vs. 20) Gotthetrots (a fitting matchup, huh?) -- Gotthetrots
  5. 5) NightMare vs. 12) Smarty Farty -- Smarty Farty
  6. 6) Sloppy Joes vs. 11) Bold Cadaver -- Sloppy Joe's
  7. 7) HeadInTheBed vs. 10) Winordie -- Winordie
  8. 8) Seattle Slow vs. 9) Man O’Pause -- Man O'Pause

Quarterfinals

  1. 1) GlueStick vs. 9) Man O'Pause (first big-time shocker as the No. 1 seed goes down) -- 9) Man O'Pause
  2. 2) Buck-ya-butt vs. 10) Winordie (and now the top two seeds are gone -- and buck-ya-butt has too many possible meanings; let's just move along) -- 10) Winordie
  3. 3) Beef-a-reno vs. 6) Sloppy Joe's -- 3) Beef-a-reno
  4. 20) Gotthetrots vs. 12) Smarty Farty (another less than tasteful matchup, huh?) -- 20) Gotthetrots

Semifinals

  1. 9) Man O'Pause vs. 20) Gotthetrots -- 9) Man O'Pause
  2. 10) Winordie vs. 3) Beef-a-reno -- 3) Beef-a-reno

Finals

  1. Man O'Pause vs. 3. Beef-a-reno -- Beef-a-reno by a length (wait, scratch that), and yes, this would be the question that we spent entirely too much time on -- and we left the web team like negative-11 photos to work with unless they can find Kramer and Rusty and the infamous Beef-a-reno from that "Seinfeld." And yes, there's still time to enter our first annual First-In, Last-In Derby Drama Challenge.

Editor's note: Wow -- huge news about Uncle Mo, one of the favorites being ruled out with stomach issues. (Maybe he had too much Beef-a-reno?) Question for the group -- if someone submitted Uncle Mo in the Derby Drama Challenge, do they get a redo? Thoughts.





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    In this Tuesday, April 7, 2009 photo, football draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr. pauses while taping at the ESPN Zone, in Baltimore. Saturday marks the 25th anniversary of Kiper's 1984 debut on ESPN's draft coverage, and while his demeanor and hair haven't changed all that much, his popularity certainly has. (AP Photo/Gail Burton)

From ElJefe

Where was the weekend 5 at 10 for the draft? Are you somehow suggesting The Masters’ Tournament is more important than the Draft? What happened to love, Love, LOVING it?

So, what's your take on Mel Kiper’s pained looks when someone deviates from “the Big Board!” Seriously. Watch the DVR of Coach Gruden mocking him. What is Kiper’s deal? Did he ever play or is he just a numbers cruncher? I love, Love, LOVED Coach Gruden giving it to him. Gruden is a maniac! He seemed to be thoroughly unimpressed with Kiper (as am I).

(I’ll withhold the remainder of my Kiper comments so as not to offend the family base). OK, one more but only because you asked. ESPN has Todd McShay. He’s a handsome devil and he flat out knows what he is talking about. So what if Kiper knows what the draft will be sixty-two years from now, he is such an arrogant (bleep, bleep, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) (wow, I do fell better) I would fire him and stick with McShay.

I was extremely impressed with the move the Falcons made to get Julio Jones (even if he did go to Alabama). Bold Moves always have rewards. Mostly I was happy because Kiper seemed to hate the move. See how I tied all that up there?

ElJefe --

Extremely fair question, and in truth there should have been a Saturday 5-at-10 last Saturday. The 5-at-10 loves the draft -- you know this. But do not confuse love for value, and we're not suggesting the Masters is more important than the draft, we're shouting it. The Masters is one of THOSE events. You know, one of those events that changes an athlete's life. The Olympics, Super Bowl MVP, Wimbledon, the Masters -- winning one of those can define an athlete's career and is always in the first line of any introduction and in the first paragraph of an athlete's obit. That said, we should have made an effort to be here on Saturday. Lesson learned.

As for Kiper, why the anti-hair helmet venom. Is he brash? Yes. Outspoken? Certainly. Opinionated? Of course. But never say he's unprepared (and we'll put him in the top five of guys at ESPN who flat-out know their stuff). Guy knows his draft stuff, and there's a real chance you mentioned the answer to why Kiper seems miffed when a team deviates from his Big Board.

ESPN's has draft expert 1 (Kiper) and 1A (McShay) and while those two work together there certainly seems to be a nice amount of competition.

That said, Gruden was the absolute breakthrough star of this draft. His "Quarterback Camp" shows were outstanding, and while he was a little too "I love this guy, he's a football player" during the draft, he was still insightful and he's obviously flush with knowledge. If you had asked us a year ago, the 5-at-10 would have said it was just a matter of time before Gruden returned to the sideline. Now, he may be the next generation's John Madden -- and we mean that in the most complimentary of ways.

PS -- The 5-at-10 also loved the Falcons trade. Yes, Atlanta gave up a great deal, but can you put a price on being a legit Super Bowl contender? Plus, here's saying those black Falcons' No. 11 jerseys (reportedly the number Jones will wear) will be a hot item whenever, you know, they actually get back to playing football again.





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    Actor Woody Harrelson, left, and entertainer Vanessa Williams, right, join Saturday Night Live regulars Dana Carvey, dressed as Johnny Carson, center, and Phil Hartman, dressed as Ed McMahon, for a taping of Saturday Night Live in this May 15, 1992 photo. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

From Caveman Lawyer

You mentioned Phil Hartman earlier this week, and that got me thinking: Where does Hartman rank on the all-time SNL list? Thanks.

CL --

Wow, that's a great question. And nearly impossible to answer. In fact, it's an answer that frequently changes depending on which SNL you have seen most recently. But we'll give it a go, and while we'd love to go with 10 we're going to do our best to keep it to a SNL Mount Rushmore (five faces that are all-timers) and their best skit/impression. And yes, we're short on the old-timers like Akroyd, Belushi, Chase, et al., but that was a little before our time and in our mind these guys were funnier. You're welcomed to submit your list, too, because that's what we do here. Here we go:

  1. Dana Carvey -- His post-SNL career has nose-dived but don't sell short his contributions. Chruch Lady, "Choppin' broccoli," Garth, but there may not be a single, more spot-on impersonation than Carvey's "George H. Bush." Sidenote: If current Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam runs for president, it could revive Carvey's career -- he's a dead-ringer for Haslam. Seriously.
  2. Eddie Murphy -- So many, but the Buckwheat stuff was outstanding. He was legendary
  3. Will Ferrell -- He was one of the highlights of a terrible period of SNL, but his SNL stuff has improved with age. The Roxbury dancing guy, Neil Diamond, Janet Reno, Glenn Frenkle (Cowbell guy), the Cheerleader guy, Celebrity Jepoardy, James Lipton and many more. But his George W. Bush was awesome in its awesomeness, and that faux debate against Gore (you know, "Lock box" and "Strategery") is on the short list of all-time SNL skits.
  4. Phil Hartman -- Loved Caveman Lawyer and his Ed McMahon and he always was among the shows best at a random nondescript dad/husband, but Hartman's Sinatra was a showstopper.
  5. Mike Myers -- Can you limit it to one? Sprockets, Wayne, Simon, Middle-aged guy. Do we need to continue?





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    Chicago Bulls guard Derrick Rose, left, looks for a shot against Atlanta Hawks guard Jeff Teague during the third quarter in Game 1 of a second-round NBA basketball playoff series Monday, May 2, 2011, in Chicago. Atlanta won 103-95. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

From First Timer

Mr. 5@10

The NBA playoffs have been enjoyable. In fact, it's the first time in a while I can remember actually watching most of an NBA game -- used to just casually watch then pay attention in the fourth quarter.

With the labor issues coming this summer, is there any issue that has to be solved more than others for the NBA not to go back to being borderline unwatchable?

First Timer,

Welcome to the show and feel free to return.

Without getting into the legalese and the salary cap figures that likely will be the major sticking points, the formation of super-teams has to be a real concern for the majority of the league's owners.

At the current pace, the AAU-ization of the NBA will completely reshape the league within the next three-to-five years. In addition to the Big 3 in Miami, there could be a Kobe-Gasol-Dwight Howard trio in LA and Carmelo-Amare-Chris Paul trio in NYC and even some others like a Deron Williams-Harrison Barnes-Blake Griffin trio in Jersey, Derrick Rose-Joakim Noah- Kevin Martin in Chicago and possibly lesser known trios in Houston or even Atlanta.

The rest of the league will be left with the scraps (and we know the players will fight contraction with all its might). That means the only chance to get competitve again is landing a LeBron in the draft, having a good team for five or six years and then watching as he takes his talents to South Beach or the Southside or the South Bronx.

Some good things can come from labor discussions -- the NBA's rookie pay scale will be the most borrowed idea in sports since $6 beers and personal seat licenses -- and figuring out how to keep teams in Milwaukee and Sacramento and Charlotte and New Orleans competitive needs to be examined.





From CelticVol

Hey 5@10,

I know its still 4 months away but I’m getting excited about the upcoming football season. I don’t know if it was the NFL Draft last week or Derek Dooley coming to town next week but I’m stoked. By the way…is it true that you like the draft? I was thinking with Coach Dooley coming to town now would be a great time to look back at the top all-time sports interviews. So in the spirit of Jim Mora, can you give us your top 3 all-time sports rants/interviews/press conferences?

PS — Did you hear that Jim Tressell has known for a month that Osama bin Laden was dead, he just didn’t know who to tell.

CelticVol,

Couple of things: The 5-at-10 is always, Always, ALWAYS excited about college football season. Be it October, February or May 6, college football season is always right around the corner. This will be an interesting season for coach Dooley, year two is normally an improvement for coaches and programs but this has hardly been a normal coaching transition. No, this was way more than a transition -- UT underwent a coaching transformation (Fulmer to Kiffin) and 13 months later underwent a coaching transfusion (removing all the bad Kiffin blood and replacing it with the new blood that is Dooley). The Vols will be better, but with a program as proud and as flushed with expectations as UT, better is not the ultimate goal. Dooley is a great bridge to the top three rants/interviews/press conferences question (who can forget Dooley's classic World War II rant last fall -- good times). In fact, this seems like a perfect time for a top five in 10 words or less (yes, the almost-copyrighted, more-difficult-than-it-seems 5-in-10 by the 5-at-10):

  1. "Game face" -- Bobby Knight's act is tired, but this was hilarious.
  2. "They are who we thought they are" -- After this meltdown Dennis Green is now an UFL coach. Ouch.
  3. "Playoffs?" -- Jim Mora's meltdown lives on in Coors Light commercials
  4. "I'm a MAN, I'm 40!" -- Mike Gundy's gift that keeps on giving.
  5. "Practice" -- Allen Iverson's all-timer, "We talking about practice. PRACT-ice."

Remember your Derby Drama Challenge entries and enjoy the weekend. Until Monday.

about Jay Greeson...

Jay was named the Sports Editor of the Times Free Press in 2003 and started with the newspaper in May 2002 as the Deputy Sports Editor. He was born and raised in Smyrna, Ga., and graduated from Auburn University before starting his newspaper career in 1997 with the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald. Stops in Clayton and Henry counties in Georgia and two years as the Sports Editor of the Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal preceded Jay’s ...

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Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
patrickd said...

You can't have a best sports press conference contest without this video eventually being brought up, so here goes. The amount of skill involved to create a video like this boggles my mind. My favorite is Joe Namath's cameo.

May 6, 2011 at 10:39 a.m.
bigbearzzz said...

WOW!!!! THIS MAILBAG SUCKED!!!!

NO OF COURSE IM JUST YANKIN UR REINGS.....Great mailbag Cinco! i have to say the bracket was SPOT ON! Nuttin wrong with makin the semifinals unless of course youre part of the shake and bake team...but hey i accept role...i know..im the pusher...Mel Kiper: he scares me...no really..i think its the hair and looks he gives...but i see cereal killer all over his face. The only thing that i would add to the SNL list is Alec B and Christopher W...Just two of my fav's...Alec B and his shweaty balls are just classic..first timer: welcome...NBA..is it college football time!? and the meltdowns always golden classics like a big ol bowl of Sugar Smacks....And with your big ol generous loving heart..of course you are going to let them repick..cause thats how you roll.

May 6, 2011 at 10:44 a.m.
Eustice_Chase said...

I'm hurt that Speedo didnt make the playoffs...maybe next year...Maybe this potential NBA lockout is what has the Lakers in trouble...Dereck Fisher is, afterall. The NBA Union President...oh well...I am hoping to see the Lakers go on a four game win streak against the Mavs...unlikely..but Id love to see it happen...ever since THe Magic Lost Shaq to LA (most likely the same way the will lose Dwight Howard) I have been a Laker fan...I would like to see a package trade of Andruw Bynum, Matt Barnes, Steve Blake and a draft pick for Dwight Howard & J.J Redick...or maybe just Dwight Howard...I feel i have been disrespected by the unmentioning of Chris Farely...who.."Lived in a VAN!!! Down by the RIVER!!!" SNL made a great run in the early 90's producing some seriously funny dudes....

May 6, 2011 at 11:15 a.m.
jgreeson said...

Pdavi —

Thanks for that clip, and Joe Namath's "I don't care that the team's struggling... I wanna kiss you," is simply gold.

Oso —

Alec B and Chris Walken are absolute Hall-of-Fame hosts/contributors (and you're spot-on with the Schwetty Balls cooking routine). The 5-at-10 is leaning toward letting people re-pick but wanted to make sure everyone was cool with that. And Sugar Smacks? Wow, that was a great call. Add "Best kids cereals that could cause diabetes" to our summer discussion list. Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Smacks, Corn Pops, Cookie Crisps and Capt Crunch Crunchberries were a big part of the reason the 5-at-10 shopped in the "Husky" section as a youngster. That and the Beef-a-Reno, of course.

EC —

Speedo was one of the first ones out. If the Lakers pull off any deal that features Steve Blake part of a package for Dwight Howard, well, get Andy and Barney on the horn 'cause there's been some stealing going on. (Side question: With Kirk Henrich on the shelf, is Blake the only American-born white guy left getting minutes in these playoffs? Holy Kurt Rambis' Glasses Strap, that can't be, right?). As for Farley, that was such a golden age for SNL (we'd argue the best ever) and we loved Farley and his van down by the RIVER. (Sidenote: Tommy Boy is one of the 10 most underrated comedies of this generation.) Also loved Spade and Sandler and Schiender from that group, but Farley was the toughest one to omit. And his Chippendale's routine with Patrick Swayze may be the best three minutes in SNL history.

— 5-at-10

May 6, 2011 at 11:39 a.m.
Eustice_Chase said...

i agree about Steve Blake, but what do the lakers have to offer for a trade other than Bynum...that plays serious minutes? Blake, Barnes and....Shannon Browne...whose last name all start with B's...never noticed that until now...

Holy Space Ghost Coast to Coast...is Lance Berkman not on a tear or what!!!! 10 HRs in 30 some odd games...at this pace he will hit over 50 HR....WOW

May 6, 2011 at 11:50 a.m.
kburgess1013 said...

So for those of us that picked Uncle Mo, do we get another pick?

May 6, 2011 at 12:43 p.m.
kburgess1013 said...

Oh sorry I was so busy reading the bad names that I missed your question about picks. Yes we should get another pick. The line up is never final until 5:30 on Derby day itself.

May 6, 2011 at 12:46 p.m.
jgreeson said...

EC —

The Magic are going to have to take what they can get for Dwight or run the risk of losing him for nothing. This deal will fall somewhere between LeBron (leaving Cleveland with nothing) and Carmelo (Denver getting a good return for its star). And if you think Dwight is not L.A.-bound, well, (Tommy Boy alert) "raise your hand and Tommy will come by and hit you in the head with a tack-hammer." Lance Berkman has always been a hitter — but this is some kind of start. And great use of the "Holy Space Ghost Coast to Coast." Well played indeed.

KBurg —

Yes,if anyone picked Uncle Mo to be the First In, go ahead and send in a new pick and we'll update the picks later this afternoon.

Stupid Beef-a-Reno,

— 5-at-10

May 6, 2011 at 1:33 p.m.
kburgess1013 said...

Ok, so I'm torn. Dialed In has been very impressive this year and has a wonderful post position, but Twice The Appeal has 3 times the appeal of many of the other horses with the 3rd post position and Calvin "Bo-Rail" on board. That said, surely Calvin Borel's lucky streak at Churchill Downs must come to an end at somepoint so my new picks are Dialed In closing in late for the victory and Shackleford fading fast and walking across the finish line last (even slower than Derby Kitten).

May 6, 2011 at 2:04 p.m.
Eustice_Chase said...

By the way P Davi- Love the Press Hip Hop (aka Sport Talk Intro)....Dj Steve Porter is a very talented individual...his " Get your popcorn Ready" is one of my favs.... I just wonder if the Magic will follow the example made my Dan Gilbert...fire the coach, lose their star, and lose all credibility in the NBA or will they mirror the Nuggets..(lol)..Nuggets...or will they sign their coach to an extension, trade their star player for some great role players and get swept in the first round of the NBA playoffs...(again)

Berkman is basically saying...Albert who? but without a doubt he is getting mad pitches because of the protection in the line-up from Pujols and Holiday

May 6, 2011 at 2:15 p.m.
jgreeson said...

EC —

Is Berkman on the Sheeninators? How are the Sheeninators (WINNING) faring. (We gave up fantasy baseball a few years ago, so now we have to absorb fantasy intel through other people's teams — that sounds way more pathetic when you write it down now that we can read it... Let's move along.)

KBurg —

You're in, and here are the updated entries (as we have them to this point; BIspy4, where are you?):

KBurg — Dialed In and Shackleford

ATruefan — Twice the Appeal and Brilliant Speed

EC — Shackelford and Dialed In

Mcpell — Nehro and Decisive Moment

wc777 — Pants On Fire and Watch Me Go

Atruefan — Twice the Appeal and Brilliant Speed

CelticVol — Dialed In and Comma to the Top

OTwatcher — Dialed In and Watch Me Go

Oso — Mucho Macho Man and Watch Me Go (#2)

WarEagle — Mucho Macho Man and Animal Kingdom

FirstTimer — Nehro and Master of the Hounds

RBLions — Soldat and Watch Me Go

ElJefe — Dialed In and Santiva

33wannabe — Brilliant Speed and Stay Thirsty

5-at-10 — Dialed In and Derby Kitten

Mrs. 5-at-10 — Midnight Interlude and Archarcharch

May 6, 2011 at 2:38 p.m.
Eustice_Chase said...

Yes, Berkman is on the Sheenanators..and Offensively we are doing great but the pitching potation is failing miserably, My anchor, Roy Halladay is basically all I have... this is my first year back into Fantasy Baseball after taking about 5 years off from it...i will just say this..the people that do it...take it serious!! but Im working on it..its a long season...I'll get it figured out!!

May 6, 2011 at 3:03 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

What? No reaction to GUS JOHNSON! NOT WORKING MARCH MADNESS NEXT YEAR!
And, 5 at 10, you whippersnapper you (now that I’ve finished yelling … hey, you, get outta my yahd!), Bill Murray was geen-yuss in the SNL days. Can’t really put Chase in that category. He bolted SNL way ahead of the others for fame and fortune in film. But Belushi and Aykroyd … money in the early days. Aykroyd as Fred Garvin, male prostitute, was classic. Gotta love Mucho Macho Man and Midnight Interlude (shouldn’t Barry White be aboard for that, mmm?), but I will go with Comma to the Top and Stay Thirsty. Also, Go For Broken Leg would have been a bad horse name.

May 6, 2011 at 4:12 p.m.
chas9 said...

In the Derby, Archarcharch and Watch Me Go. And in college basketball, Kentucky and Tennessee.

May 6, 2011 at 10:09 p.m.
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