Duck hunting
Bubba and Earl decided they'd try duck hunting. They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours, but they had no luck whatsoever.
When they came out of the woods at dusk, they saw that all the other hunters were carrying large bundles of dead ducks.
"Gee," Bubba says to Earl, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. What do you think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said Earl. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough."
Easy landings
With napping air traffic controllers in the news, some might remember when they went on strike in 1980. What you might not recall is that two celebrities came in to take their place.
First, Tattoo from "Fantasy Island" would point to the sky and yell, "Da plane! Da plane!" Then Bob Barker would yell, "Come on down!"
Two black eyes
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
He said, "Sunday I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack. I was trying to be nice and pulled it out for her. Then she turned around and punched me in the eye."
The boss said, "Well, that's understandable. Where did you get the other shiner?"
"The man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Wait a while
Two women had met for lunch and were discussing their home lives.
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight," said one. "I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh, not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another 15 pounds first."
See here
The nurse says, "Doctor, there's an invisible man in your waiting room."
The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him now. Next!"
Seems obvious
A salesman knocks at the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12-year-old boy holding a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman says, "Excuse me, son, but is your mom or dad in?"
The boy replies, "Does it look like it?"
Just watch
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.