You're So Chattanooga If...

You're So Chattanooga if....

Every time it snows you feel compelled to roll out your endless supply of stories of how it's nothing compared to the blizzard of '93.

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You've ever worn a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt to the Hunter Museum of Art.

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You schedule your wedding around college football season.

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You have to stop and think which state you're in.

You're so Chattanooga if all of your dairy products come in a golden container.

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You complain about traffic when there's no traffic.

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Jimmy John's is assigned to your speed dial.

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You've ever flipped off the Red Bank traffic camera.

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You consider the outdoors a sport.

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If you've never driven up to Signal Mountain, but you wish you could live there.

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You know that goats eat kudzu and wild dogs eat goats.

You're so Chattanooga if you're waiting on organic Moon Pies to be sold at the Chattanooga Market.

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Your annual ski trip is to Mentone, Ala.

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To you, Neighborhood Watch means knowing whether or not your neighbor is a member of NRA.

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You can actually distinguish between the smells of the river, the chicken plant and the sewers downtown.

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You look forward to hanging out in 90 degree heat with 200,000 of your drunk sweaty friends each year at Riverbend.

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You're so Chattanooga if you've ever said: "Bring me back a coke, and make it a Dr. Pepper."

You're proud of the new environmentally friendly green reputation the city has, you just wish it didn't have to come with all those wierdos over on the North Shore.

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You have a state representative who helped sign a bill into law that allows citizens to eat roadkill deer.

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Your favorite place for a 3 a.m. snack is Waffle House or City Café.

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You can pronounce any one of the following: LaFayette, Wacker, Olgiati, Ooltewah, Unum.

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You have eaten chicken on a stick.

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You've ever referred to eastern and central time zones as "fast time" and "slow time."

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You have a child or a pet named Peyton, Bo, Bear or Herschel.

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You love dancing with your girl at Alan Gold's, but hate making up a story about how she dragged you there kicking and screaming.

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A member of your family has gone to jail as the result of a fight over Ford vs. Chevy.

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You play "rock-paper-scissors" with your buddies to decide who has to dress up as the Union soldier at Civil War re-enactment battles.

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You're a fan of the Times or the Free Press but hate the Times Free Press.

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You ever got a little frightened at Nightfall by the scary looking biker, only to realize he's your insurance agent playing dress-up on his $50,000 Harley-Davidson.

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You're really excited Amazon is coming because you figure you can drive up to Cleveland and save on shipping when you order.

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The Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport loses your luggage and your first thought is to drive to Scottsboro, Ala., to try to recover it.

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You bought your wedding band from, and then later sold it back to, Rick Davis.

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You worked out the dollar-to-Riverbend-token conversion math that revealed you were paying $15 for a funnel cake and you bought it anyway.

You're so Chattanooga if your desktop background is the Volkswagen Darth Vader kid.

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You see the same people every year on your birthday at Provino's.

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You attend the Scopes Monkey Trial re-enactment each year, hoping it turns out differently.

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Your kids are learning to speak German more than English.

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You've ever taken the plunge of death on the CBC stairs.

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You were bequeathed Riverbend tokens from your dying uncle.

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You think the Civil War was a big misunderstanding.

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You voted for John Wolfe in all 17 elections he was in.

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If Tim Holcomb has to tell you when to cut your grass.

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You're too polite to go first at a four-way stop.

You're so Chattanooga if you expense Krystal as a business trip.

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Your Y2K plan involved the Chattanooga Ducks.

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When someone asks you if you're going to the re-enactment, you say, "Which one?"

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You've wooed your date with flowers from Sandy.

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You've ever been at a game at Finley when the air is blowing the wrong way.

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You've debated religion outside of Riverbend.

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The bartender at Lamar's has ever introduced Jack to your glass, twice.

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You ever rode cardboard down the hill at Renaissance Park.

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You liked GreenLife before it sold out.

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You've ever worked at Aretha's only to be able to get a seat to eat there.

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You've ever wondered who lives in the house on Chickamauga Battlefield.

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Your first trip to Ringgold was to clean up after the tornado.

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You had three shingles fall off your house during the tornadoes and 20 neighbors showed up to help.

You're so Chattanooga if you know more about Peyton's neck surgery than your wife's gall bladder operation.

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You buy four packs of thank you cards a month.

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You've ever sent a thank you card to a weatherman.

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You still call Bi-Lo Red Food.

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You go to church with at least 10 people who are in insurance.

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You're planning a 20 mile bike ride...after work today.

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Your other vehicle is a kayak.

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You have a bike rack, a gun rack and a kayak rack on your car.

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You're not completely sure where The Honor's Course is, but you really want to play there.

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You buy local even if you don't want to...Icy Hot, Gold Bond and Allegra.

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You're popular at Baylor and McCallie because your engineer dad can install the giant flags on students' pick-up trucks.

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You've ever made someone mad by saying they are from Soddy instead of Daisy.

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You've ever recognized your neighbor on the show "Hillbilly Handfishin.'"

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Your food pyramid revolves around the Strawberry Festival, Brewfest and Mayfield Ice Cream.

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You've ever chased the CARTA bus to get free Wi-Fi.

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You've tried three or four times just to find the entrance into Warehouse Row.

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You love the nightlife in Chattanooga because it's only two hours away from Nashville.

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You've ever worn an NPR hat to a NASCAR race.

You're so Chattanooga if you voted more often for Lauren Alaina than you've ever voted in the presidential election.

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You know schools close in anticipation of bad weather.

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You think Paul Barys predicts the weather based on his beard bristles.

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You know the Ridge Cut isn't a bad '70s haircut.

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You met your new best friends eating family style at Bea's.

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Going to Longhorn means going out to breakfast on the North Shore.

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The back of your BMW has a McCallie, Baylor and GPS sticker.

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Your idea of making it is that your house has a brow, waterfront or downtown view.

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The second question you're asked when you meet someone is what church you go to.

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You plan your end-of-summer getaway around Brewfest.

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You've ever had to explain how Sear's shoe store has nothing to do with Sears.

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Where you went to high school is more important than where you went to college.

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You are confident that Moon Pies contain each of the food groups.

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You are sure that "Chickamauga" is one messed up word, compared to "Chattanooga."

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You Play Angry Birds with a 16-gauge shotgun.

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You think the Free Press editorial page is still too liberal.

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You spend an afternoon looking through the VCR tapes at McKay Books.

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Your family spends a day at the park...counting the cannons.

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The closest you get to Cabo San Lucas is a softball tournament in Dalton.

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Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a Moon Pie.

You're so Chattanooga if you feel related to Uncle Herschel.

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You spend $60,000 on your kid's prep education and they go to Chattanooga State.

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You live in Red Bank but tell people you live in Hixson.

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You've had your picture taken with Zack Wamp at some point.

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Your idea of religious tolerance is having a Catholic friend.

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Your garage and your master bedroom are in different states.

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You have both a tree man and an allergist.

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You have a child with three last names.

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Your parents smile wickedly when they walk by the Boat Chute at Lake Winnie.

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You can skip a Moon Pie across Suck Creek.

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You have a poodle named Bonnaroo.

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Half your neighbors are 55 and retired from TVA.

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You love what the Aquarium did for downtown but you've never been there.

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You don't think the glow in the dark fairy tale figures at Rock City are at all creepy and slightly frightening.

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One of your favorite stories is about the time you met that famous celebrity, Jed Mescon.

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You've ever sworn to yourself that you're going to move to Hixson while stuck in I-24 traffic on Missionary Ridge on a Friday afternoon.