published Thursday, December 27th, 2012

Punchlines

Silly jokes

Q: What’s red and invisible?

A: No tomatoes.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?

A: Lean beef.

Barkeep

* A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

* A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks, “Why the long face?”

* A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?”

* I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

Really! What’s the name of his other leg?

No breaks

The employee says to his boss, “My wife wants me to take a vacation day tomorrow and clean out the attic, the garage and work in the garden.

The boss says, “That’s not enough notice. I can’t give you tomorrow off.”

The employee says, “Thanks, boss, that’s exactly what I was counting on.”

Classics from the masters

* “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx

* “I belong to no organized party; I am a Democrat.” Will Rogers

* “On the other hand, we have different fingers.” Jack Handey

Descriptive paraprosdokian examples

* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?

* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Nearly paraprosdokians

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back!

* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

* Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

* There’s a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

* I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

* You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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