published Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

5-at-10: SEC media blitz, the open Open and a mustachioed question

Gang, we have a couple of open spots in Friday's mailbag and remember our contest this week (more on that below).

From the "Talks too much" Studios, here we go...

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    Florida coach Will Muschamp talks with reporters during Southeastern Conference Football Media Days in Birmingham, Ala., Wednesday, July 20, 2011. (AP Photo/Dave Martin)

SEC media day review

The opening day of the SEC media event outside Birmingham was filled with a river of quotes that you will read online and see again in preview sections across the South. Trust us.

Here's a Day 1 recap, with a shout out to Ron Burgandy:

Why don't you stop talking for a while there Champ: Here's Missouri coach Gary Pinkel to a group of media members that cover his team — "Joe Paterno’s a friend that I got to know professionally, and you can’t take away the greatness of this man. He was a great man. However you analyze this, you can’t erase all that this guy’s done. You can’t do that. Nobody can do that. I think when you come out of such a tragic situation, certainly involving children and the magnitude of this in our country from a media standpoint, I anticipated really what happened. I anticipated that they would do this. You’re not going to sit back there and say, ‘Well, just things happen.’ You’re not going to do that. They’re going to be firing, and people, they’re going to make statements and they’re going to point fingers, and that’s what I anticipated a little bit. But he was a great man, a good man. I’m sure he would, maybe if he” could “do it over again he would have followed up a few things. But don’t take away all this guy did, and to sit there and blame him for all this, I think is wrong." Hey, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But if Pinkel wants to defend Paterno, that's fine. Just remember that Paterno had more than a decade to follow up on "a few things" like child rape and torture.

Why don't you stop talking for a while there Champ, part II: What is it with the new guys? Pinkel says covering up child rape does not affect your legacy and Kevin Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin gets on the mic and starts cussing. C'mon coach, be better than that. Sumlin was impressive and we think Texas A&M is going to be better than most people expect, but c'mon coach, let TVA be in charge of the dams.

I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal: Steve Spurrier is on the Rushmore of all-time SEC coaches. But he is the King of the preseason news conference. Dude is Tiger/Tyson/MJ/Federer all rolled into one when the microphones light up in July.

It's science: Vandy quarterback Jordan Rodgers is the younger brother of NFL stud duck Aaron Rodgers, and we believe Jordan will have a big year. The New York Times reported last year that Rodgers said he has a TD dance called "ninja bandana," which is the head version of his brother Aaron's famous move that has been transformed into the StateFarm "Discount Double Check" move. (Those StateFarm "Discount Double Check" commercials are strong.)

You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha: Mike Slive is so money.

Great story. Compelling and rich: Vandy was the surprise story in the league last year, and they come out with a chip on their shoulder from the start. We like that. And Zac Stacy may be the best player no one knows. (Side note: The Mrs. 5-at-10 recently looked at the 5-at-10 for some foolishness we did and said, "That's sooo rich." Well, the soon-to-be-5-year-old 5-at-10 son was standing there and since one of his TV shows has a cast of characters that includes a dude named Rich, the 5-at-10 tot concurred with his mother and said, "That's sooo Rich. That's sooo Scott. That's sooo Dave," and the rest of the show's crew.)

———

SEC media day preview

OK, Let's get to the questions for each coach you won't be hearing today:

Mississippi State — "Coach Mullen, please discuss the cultural influences and affects Starkville has had on society. Yes, you can begin with the cowbell."

LSU — "Coach Miles, if two trains left New Orleans at the same time and going in opposite directions going at the same rate of speed, which train would have the want to get to the SEC title game first?" Knowing our coach-crush on the oft-nonsensical and never-canned Miles, here's saying he'd deliver an aces answer to that one too.

Florida — "Coach Muschamp, have you contacted Ron Zook about how you transition after flopping at Florida?"

Kentucky — "Joker, is Coach Calipari going to be here later, and if not, when is Midnight Madness?"

Auburn — "Coach Chizik, which was a cooler development this offseason: Seeing Rueben Foster switch his commitment from Alabama to Auburn or watching Brian VanGorder's mustache in action this spring? Seriously, that's one awesome lip lid, no?"

Arkansas — "Coach Smith, got any investment tips you want to share?"

———

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    Tiger Woods watches his drive from the third tee during the final round of the AT&T National golf tournament at Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., Sunday, July 1, 2012. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)
    Photo by Associated Press /Chattanooga Times Free Press.

Tee it up

The British Open starts in a matter of hours, and we have not uttered much about the Claret Jug and Tiger Woods and pot bunkers and the like.

Truth be told, the 5-at-10 loves the British Open. It's not the Masters — what is? — but it's a lot closer than many would believe.

Look at what it has in its bag:

Great trophy — The Claret Jug is not Lord Stanley's Cup, but it's uber-close. (Quick Rushmore of coolest trophies: Stanley Cup, Claret Jug, Heisman and Olympic Gold.)

Great tradition — There is no denying this; it's the best, even for those of us that love the Masters more.

Great storylines — Whether it's Tom Watson or someone on the brink of contending that's a shock or a no-name that comes from nowhere or even the historic meltdowns, there is always a great sports storyline at the Open.

Great scenes — Without tricking up the golf courses, the British Open is always a stern test. A lot of it has to do with the weather, which generates images of bent flags in a earth-shaking wind or even Bishop Bickering and Carl Spackler dredging through Bushwood in a driving rain storm.

Great timeframe — Unlike most of the folks we know, the 5-at-10 is a wicked early riser. So we'll pop up and watch a bunch of the tournament when it's still dark outside here in Chattanooga. Good times

We are stoked.

That said, remember our Openly Open Championship Championship. The rules are simple: Pick five golfers. The finishing spots for the best four of your group will be added together and the low score wins. One twist this time is that if you want to pick Tiger Woods, you only get to pick four. Let us know if you have any questions and the winner will get some tickets to some sporting event in the coming days.

Here's what we have so far (we'll update later today and if you have entered and don't see your picks below send them again please):

5-at-10 — Dufner, McDowell, Paddy Harrington, Woods

Mrs. 5-at-10 — Zach Johnson, Dufner, Westwood, Donald, Rory

Fred — Oosthuizen, Westwood, Molinari, Els, Poulter

TFP golf ace David Uchiyama — Padraig Harrington, Matt Kuchar, Louis Oosthuizen, Lee Westwood, Justin Rose

BlueOval — Mickleson, D Johnson, Z Johnson and Woods

StuckinKent — Lee Westwood, Ricky Fowler, Padraig Harrington, Dustin Johnson, Martin Kaymer

Spy — Zach Johnson, Jason Dufner, Luke Donald, Ernie Els, Graeme McDowell

sportsfan — Furyk, Sergio, Paul Lawrie, Lee Westwood, and Ernie Els

McPell — Jason Dufner, Mickelson, Luke Donald, McIlroy, & Matt Kutchar

———

This and that

— Talk about going out with a bang. Yahoo reported here http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/utah-man-confessional-obituary-owns-life-pranks-180934687.html that Val Patterson told the secrets of his life in his obit. Among them was the fact that he never graduated from college despite the University of Utah confusing the paper work and sending him a PhD. He also told Disney World and Sea World to close their "banned for life" files on him.

— We promise at some point we're going to stop writing about Penn State (although our column in today's TFP was on that subject). That said, does anyone need to avoid a microphone right now more than Jay Paterno? Everyone understands you want to defend your dad, but there is no upside to vow publicly to take down the Freeh report. First, you just continue the controversy. Second, if you find something it's going to be questioned because the Paterno family has such a strong motivation. Finally if you find nothing — if the Paterno family finds nothing or very little of consequence in the 237-page document that covered more than 3 million emails and 400 interviews — it certifies the Freeh report as gold plated.

— As we have written before, the death penalty for Penn State is a real possibility. Whether that happens or not, we love the suggestion of Yahoo!Sports writer Dan Wetzel that all current Penn State players should be able to transfer without penalty.

— OK, we get that NFL players get into trouble. But Dez Bryant was picked up for assault Tuesday. That's a normal day in the life of professional sports. It happens, right? Well, not exactly. Bryant was picked up for allegedly assaulting his mom. Yes, his MOM. Wow.

— The Knicks did not match the offer to point guard Jeremy Lin and let the ATM that was Lin-sanity head to Houston. Truth be told, it was probably the right move basketball-wise.

————

Today's question

We are 10 days from the Olympics. That's a good thing.

This past Monday was Will Ferrell's 45th birthday and we missed it. That's a bad thing.

Combine those facts with the Todd962's outstanding reference to Mark Spitz on Tuesday and today's question writes itself.

What's your Mount Rushmore of best mustaches? We'll take Spitz, Rob Burgandy, Rollie Fingers and Magnum P.I. Discuss.

about Jay Greeson...

Jay was named the Sports Editor of the Times Free Press in 2003 and started with the newspaper in May 2002 as the Deputy Sports Editor. He was born and raised in Smyrna, Ga., and graduated from Auburn University before starting his newspaper career in 1997 with the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald. Stops in Clayton and Henry counties in Georgia and two years as the Sports Editor of the Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal preceded Jay’s ...

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Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
chas9 said...

You're right on about Pinkel. Anyway, newcomer coaches and teams are on double super secret probation for the first two years.

Can't top your Mt. Rushmore of womb brooms, but honorable mentions to Sam Elliot, Mister Kotter and The Frito Bandito. Assuming we're staying away from 70's porn actors. And can you picture the actual Presidents on Rushmore with 'stashes drawn on?

July 18, 2012 at 10:45 a.m.
Todd962 said...

Goh, what a sweet rushmore question. Mine zooms into sports only, and I use the term sports loosely on one of my selections but... Whether professional wrestling is considered a sport is certainly arguable, but you cant deny Hulk Hogan's mustache is one of the most recognizable mouth brows ever. That lip pushbroom helped sweep terrorism clean out of American wrestling during most of the 1980's. Rollie's tach is an untouchable piece of art. What that guy could do with half a can of stach wax was masterful. And as I discussed yesterday, think of what Spitzy could have done without that nose neighbor dragging him down in the water. However, whatever Spitz' stache did to hinder his performance, Steve Prefontaine's was definitely an aid. He kept it neat in the head winds for aerodynamic benefits and on the tail winds let that thing loose almost for a sail effect. No wonder he was so fast, he was rocking a performance enhancing mo.

And there are so many sweet nicknames for mustaches that are entirely inappropriate for a FOIB column as this. It took great restraint not to include at least one such as Chas used above. And that one is most definitely on the tame end of things.

July 18, 2012 at 10:51 a.m.
BIspy4 said...

Geoff Ogilivy's current cookie duster rates up there. Rickie Fowler's, alas, does not.

Joe Namath's brief Fu Manchu also good. Jim Rice's mustache. Because he's Jim Rice. Walter from Breaking Bad. Starting to be a sinister mustache.

And the greatest mustache of all-time - Ned Flanders.

I really like Uch's pick of Kuchar. Almost threw in the mix instead of Big E. Like the Justin Rose selection too. He just misded my cut of 5, 5.

July 18, 2012 at 11:01 a.m.
Todd962 said...

And my Openly Open Championship Championship selections are Tiger, McDowell, Westwood, and Rose. As I stared at ESPN this morning arguing with myself to get out of bed, I think I deciphered that it was going to be raining for some of the tournament this weekend so lets hope those four mothers' were mudders and so on.

July 18, 2012 at 11:18 a.m.
jgreeson said...

9er —

We were a little stunned about Pinkel's comments. And believe he'll have a meeting with his AD sometime today and a clarification statement sometime this afternoon or tomorrow morning.

And Sam Elliott almost cracked the list — especially his duster in "Tombstone," but there were a ton of great staches in that movie.

And yes, we're staying away from all actors who appear in adult-only feature films. F-O-I-B sports column after all.

962 —

If Elliott was No. 5 on our list Hogan was No. 6. We though about Prefontaine, but only for a minute.

And you're correct there are a slew of monikers for mustaches that are not fit for F-O-I-B sports columns that can make you laugh out loud.

Spy —

Geoff lost major points for spelling his first name G-E-O-F-F. If you go that direction, pronounce it Gee-OFF. Period. No cool lip lid can correct that. Fowler's is brutal. Like C. Thomas Howell-Corey Haim in the late 80s bad.

But what do you expect from a kid that's cashing big checks spinning his lid and dressing in an array of sherberts.

And dude, Flanders is an inspired called. Pure.

— 5-at-10

July 18, 2012 at 11:27 a.m.
BIspy4 said...

5, I can't agree with you more on no one needing to zip it more right now than anybody with a last name of Paterno. The less they say, the better off they are. I understand they don't want to see their father's name and legacy tarnished and besmirched. But that horse left the barn and is headed down the highway. Cut your losses already. (I'm running out of hackneyed metaphors, so I'll stop.)

July 18, 2012 at 11:32 a.m.
dawg747 said...

Ten Cup: Should Goose Gossage rank up there high somewhere. Since you forgot Ferrell's birhtday everybodies girlfriend from the 80's Phoebe Cates was 49 on Monday also. Sweet!!!

July 18, 2012 at 11:38 a.m.
jgreeson said...

Spy —

From the Hall of Fame of back-handed compliments: We don't believe for a second you could ever run out of hackneyed metaphors. You're the king of those. By the way.

Dawg —

Goose was is on second Rushmore. He was in the mix if for no other reason than he was scary. His persona helps his stache the same way Gee-OFF Oglivy's persona hurts his.

Is Kevin Kline still married to Phoebe Cates? As underrated as Kline's career was, he got more than he deserved there.

— 5-at-10

July 18, 2012 at 12:02 p.m.
Todd962 said...

In a faint attempt to defend Fowler, his stache has taken great strides. It used to be a dirt stache in the purest sense. You wanted to ask him to wipe his lip cause it appeared he had tripped in the fairway and landed on his face, leaving a faint line of dust. These days he has graduated to a mid-pubescent attempt at facial hair, still stragily but undeniable as something his body is purposefully growing.

I also like him for his ridiculous Puma rain suits and outfits along with his Puma Treadmill commercial where people are slung off at an increasingly fast pace until Usain Bolt is revealed to be casually jogging alongside. Fowler was the last to be slung over even a professional soccer player. Weenie soccer player or fastest golfer ever?

July 18, 2012 at 12:03 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Mr. 962 —

We're fine with Fowler's decision to wear sherbert. Seriously. We like the fact he's willing to shake up golf. Golf needs it. And the 5-at-10 loves golf.

His stache is still trash.

Surprised no one has hit us with a Keith Hernandez yet. He had a great safety net for his booger sugar. (That was fun to type by the way.)

Edit from an earlier post: Cates and Kline appear to be still hitched and she has aged well.

"Fast Times" is a classic movie for a lot of reasons; Mrs. Cates is responsible for at least a couple of them.

July 18, 2012 at 12:07 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

5, ... um ... thanks?

(Speaking of that, truthfully, I did laugh out loud).

July 18, 2012 at 12:09 p.m.
fechancellor said...

10 Ring,

Saw some Web.com Tour action recently, and wow, the coverage team is in no way shies way from hanging a $$$$ amount on crucial putts. I'll find a way to devote more time for their Sunday coverage.

Back to the big leagues with the picks...

Rory Mcilroy, Lee Westwood, Greame McDowell, Justine Rose, Phil Mickelson

So the category is moustaches...

Snidley Whiplash, Charlie Chaplin, Dean Acheson, Adolf Hitler (Note: Cartman giving Butters a "Hitler" is pretty damn sinister in its own right).

July 18, 2012 at 1:07 p.m.

Leroy Neiman Phil Garner Larry Csonka, Jim Kiick, and Mercury Morris Catfish Hunter, Rollie Fingers, and Sal Bando

July 18, 2012 at 1:52 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Spy —

For you, anything.

FE to the C —

You're in. And Justine Rose is a strong choice — no Justine Bateman mind you, but still.

And yes, the Web.com.org. online league focuses on the money — and since these guys are playing for a chance to play again the drama is high.

BTG —

Phil Garner is a home run. Something tells us you were a Dolphins/A's fan in the early 70s.

— 5-at-10

July 18, 2012 at 2:18 p.m.
deboman said...

Great lists and staches..have to jump in with a few..Rip Taylor, Salvador Dali, Craig Stadler, and Geraldo have all sported some great lip cover. Feel bad for the Chaplin mustache legacy as it was essentially squashed after Hitler's romp through Europe. However, MJ has attempted to bring that look back in his new Haynes commercials. Probably would take someone of Jordan's stature to resurrect that style.

For the weekend's fun, I will take> P Harrington, Dufner, Oosthuizen, Angel Cabrera, and R Goosen.

July 18, 2012 at 3:37 p.m.
Todd962 said...

Face Palm! How could we forget the Walrus? Nice call Debo.

So after the Braves escaped getting slaughter ruled last night by the Giants(MLB does have the ten run rule right? No? Well they should along with a home game ticket refund policy...), what odds do we give them with Minor on the mound? Negative 5% chance of victory?

July 18, 2012 at 3:49 p.m.
Blueoval said...

How did the 5/10 miss naming Craig "The Walrus" Stadler....also have to throw in Tom Selleck.

July 18, 2012 at 4 p.m.
Stewwie said...

Other random fellas with the soup strainers:

Dennis Eckersley Alex Trebek (back in the day) Albert Einstein Teddy Roosevelt

July 18, 2012 at 4:24 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Saw this posted elsewhere today:

Instead of taking down the Paterno statue, just turn it around. So Joe Pa can continue to look the other way.

July 18, 2012 at 4:32 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Debo —

We're humbled. The Walrus as some kind of Mr. Tickles. That thing needed its own Wiki page.

OK, we're make a strange but needed command decision. There will be a Rushmore and a Rushmore-B:

Rushmore stays Spitz, Rob Burgandy, Rollie Fingers and Magnum P.I.

Rushmore B is Ned Flanders, Hulk Hogan, Stadler and Sam Elliott

Done and done.

Mr. 962 —

With Melky Cabrera looking like a switch-hitting Tony Gwynn and Minor toeing the slab, we'll put the Braves at a 3.5-run 'dog.

Oval —

We have no excuse. None. Maybe we were so jazzed about the media days that our judgement was clouded.

Stew —

Teddy was big-time, but different era. And Trebek falls into the Gee-OFF category.

— 5-at-10

July 18, 2012 at 4:37 p.m.
sportsfan said...

Jay- sorry I'm late. Out of town for work most of the day. As for best mustaches, how about Al Hrobosky(St Louis pitcher back in the day). The Mad Hungarian was always fun to watch as he stomped around the mound.

July 18, 2012 at 7:58 p.m.
abankston said...

Jay- I'm in for the contest if it isn't too late...Woods, Dufner, Z Johnson, Oosthuizen, and Fowler

July 18, 2012 at 9:58 p.m.
chas9 said...

Here's the winning entry: Donald, Harrington, McIlroy, Oosthuizen (or however you spell it), Westwood.

July 18, 2012 at 11:14 p.m.
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