published Friday, June 1st, 2012

Laugh Lines

Great outdoors

These are said to be actual comments left on U.S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers on wilderness camping trips.

* "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

* "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

* "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

* "All the mile markers are missing this year."

* "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

* "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

* "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

* "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

Be warned

Don't say you haven't been warned, guys. Here are five deadly terms used by women.

* "Fine" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.

* "Nothing" -- It does, in fact, mean something, and you need to be worried.

* "Go ahead" -- This is a dare, not permission. Do not do whatever it is you are thinking of doing.

* "That's OK" -- She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

* "Wow" -- This is not a compliment. She's amazed that one person could be so stupid.

One to ponder

Two elderly guests, Martin and Charles, were at a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years. Both were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

"All these people sleeping together before they're married," Martin muttered indignantly. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"

"I don't know," Charles answered thoughtfully. "What was her maiden name?"

Current events

Chattanooga attorney John Wolfe got a shout-out in Jay Leno's May 23 monologue on "The Tonight Show":

"Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the Democratic vote in West Virginia, President Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas yesterday when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See, that proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon."

In other current events (from http://politicalhumor.about.com):

* "Here's an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'the Juan percent.' "

-- Jimmy Fallon

* "Four Secret Service agents fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. Is that the best argument when you're trying to get your job back in the Secret Service? These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really?"

-- Jay Leno

* "(Al) Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising."

-- Jay Leno

* "President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs."

-- Jay Leno

* "According to a new poll by The New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can't buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you're running for president, doesn't it?"

-- Jay Leno

* "Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the Earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the Earth." -- Jimmy Kimmel

* "A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick 'an incredibly boring white guy as running mate.' When he heard that, Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, I've already got a gig.' "

-- Conan O'Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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