published Thursday, November 22nd, 2012

Laugh Lines

By the slice

Little Johnny and his family lived way out in the country and seldom had guests. So when a couple of relatives arrived for Thanksgiving dinner, Johnny was eager to help.

When the meal was almost over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of pumpkin pie.

He set it down in front of his father, who passed it down the table to one of the guests.

Little Johnny came back with a second piece of pie. He set it down in front of his father, and again his father passed it down the table.

That was too much for Little Johnny.

"It's no use, Dad," he said. "The pieces are all the same size."

Four at the door

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Gladys.

Gladys who?

Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren't you?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Dewey.

Dewey who?

Dewey have to wait long to eat?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Harry.

Harry who?

Harry up, I'm hungry.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Arthur.

Arthur who?

Arthur any leftovers?

Quick quiz

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi.

Q: What do you call a stolen yam?

A: A hot potato.

Q: Why did the farmer run over his potato field with a steamroller?

A: He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?

A: One. But you really have to squeeze him in.

Q: Did you hear about the turkey that got into a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A: Drumsticks for everybody!

Q: What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?

A: Dessert, of course.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: How does the man in the moon eat dinner?

A: In satellite dishes.

Ice cold

A promise posted on the sign outside Fuller's Place in Sale Creek:

Beer colder than your ex's heart.

Let them eat ...

A dietitian was addressing a large audience at a conference.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago," she said.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"

Inner peace

A magazine recently gave the following advice: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

One guy thought it was timely advice during this season of consumption. So he looked around to see all the things he had started and hadn't finished. So far today, he's finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Scotch, some Valium, a small box of chocolates and nine beers.

Price of oranges

Mrs. Brown was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"

"Two for a quarter," answered the vendor.

"How much is just one?" she asked.

"Fifteen cents," answered the vendor.

"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Brown.

Ginger

  • He said: "I've got a crocodile named Ginger."
  • She said: "Does Ginger bite?"
  • He said: "No, but ginger snaps."

Notable quotes

  • She says: Shopping with your husband is like shopping with a game warden.
  • He says: We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Good guess

He was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that read "Guess" across her backside.

  • He said, "I don't know ... maybe 350 pounds?"

Unforgivable

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the clerk behind the counter. "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"

Tough competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read: Best Deals.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: Lowest Prices.

The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. Over his shop he put an even bigger sign that read: "Main Entrance.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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