published Friday, September 21st, 2012

Laugh Lines

Test answers

Reported answers from SAT tests given to 16-year-old high school students.

Earth science

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized (e.g. abdomen)?

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian section."

A: The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religion

Q: What is a Hindu?

A: It lays eggs.

Suicidal story

Tom, Dick and Harry go to a party. After the party they return to the hotel. The hotel is 600 stories high.

Unfortunately, the elevator is not working, so they make a plan to pass the time. For the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories, Dick will tell a happy story. For the final 200 stories, Harry will tell a sad story.

Then they start up the steps, with Tom telling jokes and keeping the mood light. Then it is Dick's turn to regale his buddies with a happy tale.

After two hours, it is Harry's turn. He turns to the other two and says, "OK, guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs."

Quack quack

A duck goes into a drugstore to buy lip balm. The clerk asks, "Will you be paying in cash?"

The duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."

Signature work

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"

"He was indeed. He wrote a check."

Lose the way

The airplane pilot settled into his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator pulled out a .45 and placed it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest, sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Some flexibility

A middle-age man decides that he needs to get into shape. He goes to the gym and meets his trainer, who asks him if he can do the splits.

The man sputters, "What? Of course not."

"That's fine," the trainer says. "We'll work on that. How flexible are you?"

The man says, "Well, I can't come on Tuesdays."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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