published Thursday, April 11th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 thoughts going through Kevin Ware’s mind at this moment:

10. “What was that loud cracking sound?”

9. “I hope this doesn’t leave a bruise.”

8. “Hey, look — my tibia!”

7. “Ouch.”

6. “Did it go in?”

5. “Oh boy ... hospital food!”

4. “Tape it up, Coach, I’m staying in.”

3. “They fired Leno?”

2. “Heat, then ice, or ice, then heat?”

1. “At least my bracket’s not busted.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Spring fever

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the heck is anal glaucoma?"

She says, "I can't see my butt coming into work today."

Got milk?

During a commercial airline flight, an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good-looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head and in true pilot fashion responded, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Idle time

A wealthy but not too bright woman buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week but without any luck, she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer, who sends out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the woman and says, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the woman replies, "You idiot, how on Earth could you ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears. I use D during the day and N at night."

Make it count

"Have you ever seen a 20-dollar bill all crumpled up?" asks the wife.

"No," says her husband.

She gives him a sexy little smile, slowly reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a crumpled 20-dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a 50 all crumpled up?" she asks.

"Uh, no," he says.

She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and pulls out a crumpled 50-dollar bill.

"Now," she says, "have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he says, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage."

Better options

A preacher is seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Arizona.

After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy quickly hands his drink back to the attendant. "Me, too," he says. "I didn't know we had a choice."

No speak English

A German woman married a Canadian man born in Nova Scotia, and they lived happily ever after in his hometown.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt just a bit to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse just a bit to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate "sausages," she took her husband to the store.

Because her husband speaks English, of course. What were you thinking?

Tally-ho

A wife asks her husband, "Did you have any girlfriends before you married me?"

The husband sits silently.

His wife says, "What is this silence supposed to mean?"

He says, "Hold on, I'm counting."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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