published Thursday, December 26th, 2013

Laughlines

Top 10 lies of the year
  1. “Pleasure to have you back, Mr. Trump.”
  2. “I am a congressman. Of course I’ve read the Constitution.”
  3. “Vladimir, people love it when you take your shirt off.”
  4. “Larry King looks great for 80.”
  5. “You wanna go to New York? I may propose.”
  6. “Healthcare.gov is up and running!”
  7. “I am a proud Knicks fan.”
  8. “Yes, I am a trained sign-language interpreter.”
  9. “Welcome to the ‘Late Show,’ finest entertainment show ever.”
  10. “If you like your crack-smoking mayor, you can keep your crack-smoking mayor.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Rock-Away Rest

Yes, we know what day it is, but we’re not quite through with Christmas yet. Let’s let Leland Parrott describe the scene at the rest home from a couple of days ago.

’Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly; our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice, plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive — the joy wouldn’t stop — was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Like “Where Are You Living?” and “What Are Your Names?”

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand’rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter

(But we are so deaf that it just didn’t matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

’Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived

Our Social Security checks had arrived.

We sang — how we sang — in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft 8 p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.

’Fore long you’ll be with us, We wish you the best!

Toe truck

OK, one more.

Did you hear that Santa’s sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve? He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, “Can you help me fix my toboggan, please?”

“Sorry,” the driver replied. “I’m not a mechanic. I’m a podiatrist.”

“In that case,” said Santa,” could you give me a tow?”

Humorous nods to the new year

The Huffington Post counts the following among its favorite New Year’s quotes from comedians and humorists.

-- “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Mark Twain

-- “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P.J. O’Rourke

-- “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” — Billy Vaughn

-- “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” — Billy Vaughn

-- “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.” — Jay Leno

-- From Twitter: “My new years resolution for 2010? I will be less laz” — Jim Gaffigan

Party hearty

Party-planning advice from Dave Barry:

-- “If you throw a New Year’s party, the worst thing that you could do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up [the next day] and call you to say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another party next year.

“What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days [later] and call their lawyers to find out if they’ve been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent another one.”

Party shoes

What’s the best dance to learn for your New Year’s Eve parties?

The elevator dance.

There’s no steps to it.

But don’t be tempted to make out on one.

Sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

-- “I always like New Year’s because it’s so bizarre to me that we’re drunk, we’re counting backwards … Like, when did this tradition start? Did they have it back in ancient times? Like in ancient Rome did they have to go ‘X! I-X! V-I-I-I! V-I-I … I’m out …’” — Ted Alexandro

In response, readers posted comments online. Among them:

-- “This year I resolve not to make any resolutions. Crap! I just succeeded and failed at the same time.”

-- “Yet again I have given up tiger fighting, freefall parachuting and walking on thin ice. These resolutions have served me well for years.”

Maxine’s maxims

Wit and wisdom from Hallmark’s Maxine:

* “You know it’s the holidays when you’ve got Jack Frost nippin’ at your nose and Jack Squat in your bank account.”

* “Happy New Year. May all your worries last as long as your resolutions.”

* “The end of the year is a good time to get rid of stuff. I started weeks ago by cleaning out my checking account.”

* “I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won’t do now. Things I won’t do later. Things I’ll never do …”

Sad state

One to end the year on from www.wittyprofiles.com.

A man is thirsty, so he gets in line to buy some water. But the line is too long, so he says, “Never mind. I’ll go buy a soda.”

So he gets in line to buy a soda. But that line is also very long. The man says, “Forget it. This line is too long as well.”

So the man goes to get some punch. There is no punch line.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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