Today, I'd like to share with you some amazing discoveries.
Along the way, you may ponder these 21st-century advances and reach the same empirical conclusion that I did: "Dang."
Pizza Hut has introduced a new line of pizza sliders. They're $10 for a box of nine.
I was at my neighborhood Pizza Hut on Mountain Creek Road last week and the manager showed me the uncooked slider dough, which is about 3 inches in diameter.
I immediately thought, "Dang -- pizza on a biscuit." Still, I'd have to eat about a dozen of these to feel full. I can see my 11-year-old inhaling a whole box at one sitting.
Actually, I'm more excited about Krystal's new fish sandwich, which is also offered in slider format. According to a company news release, the new Krystal Fish is "made of premium, flaky Alaskan pollock, panko (Japanese bread crumb) crust, tangy tartar sauce on a steamed bun."
Twice in the last week I've gotten a sack full of these puppies, and they have my 100-percent endorsement, although I'm not sure why they needed Japanese bread crumbs when millions of red-blooded American bread crumbs are out of work.
The high-end "Fish Deluxe" -- my personal favorite -- comes with lettuce and cheese.
My only suggestion to the Krystal kitchen is to dial back on the tartar sauce which, by design, has a high viscosity (it's slicker than deer guts on a doorknob, actually), so if you glob too much on a sandwich it tends to squirt out the sides of your mouth.
Note to Krystal: While researching this new product online, I noticed there are several women in the United States actually named Krystal Fish. If Subway can make a pudgy, zero-charisma guy named Jared famous, you guys could go to town with all these Krystal Fishes.
Chrysler has come out with an ingenious way to sell its new Dodge Dart: an online registry.
That's right guys, just like brides-to-be get to register for gravy boats from Dillard's department store, you can use your special occasion to get a brand-new ride.
Friends and family can go online and set you up piece by piece. For your college graduation, say, Granny can buy your rims, Mom and Dad can pop for the transmission and little Sis can underwrite your shifter knob.
The instructions at dogedartregistry.com say: "You can raise a portion of the cost of a new Dart or the full price. Then all you have to do is go to the dealership and pick it up."
I'm dubious about most Internet offers, but this Dart idea hits the bull's-eye. All the old fogeys in your family will remember the Dodge Dart of the 1960s and assume that you are buying a dull, reliable car. In reality, the new Dart is a pocket rocket -- but Aunt Sadie doesn't need to know that, does she?
I heard on TV that there's a new smartphone app that let's you upload a photo of yourself and see approximately what you'll look like in 20 years.
With a little work, I found a website that does the same thing (in20years.com), and it doesn't require a fancy phone.
Why on earth would anyone want to speed up the clock 20 years, you ask? Well, it's just one of those human-nature things. Once you know it can be done, it's hard not to do it.
Ladies, I'd suggest you wait for some private time to experiment with this. This is not a parlor game you'd want to pull out at your next Pampered Chef party. The results are not flattering.
A neutral observer walking through my office last week as I played with in20years.com noted that I am on track to look like Republican political consultant Karl Rove.
If you don't have Internet access, fill your mouth with marshmallows, throw a handful of dirt on your face and drizzle lemon juice in your eyes. It has roughly the same effect.
Mark Kennedy is the editor of the Times Free Press opinion pages and writes the Sunday “Life Stories” column. He also writes a Saturday automotive column, “Test Drive,” for the Business section. For 13 years, Kennedy was features editor of the newspaper, and before that he was the newspaper’s first Sunday editor. The Times Free Press Life section won the state press award for Best Community Lifestyles four times during his tenure. Before Chattanooga’s newspapers ...