Sunday, January 1, 1905
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ..."
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama, words like dust, wash, iron and cook."
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is: We have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is: It's still out there in your pockets."
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, asked his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancee very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said his dad. "All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, took up her problem with her mother. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother said, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word."
She thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband woke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Gesundheit.
Q: What kind of fish do you find in a birdcage?
A: Perch.
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush 75
Jumping to conclusions 100
Climbing the walls 150
Swallowing your pride 50
Passing the buck 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) 50-300
Dragging your heels 100
Pushing your luck 250
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Bending over backwards 75
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Balancing the books 25
Running around in circles 350
Eating crow 225
Tooting your own horn 25
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Pulling out the stops 75
Adding fuel to the fire 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end 12
Opening a can of worms 50
Putting your foot in your mouth 300
Starting the ball rolling 90
Going over the edge 25
Picking up the pieces 350
Counting eggs before they hatch 6
Calling it quits 2
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including books, Web sites and reader submissions.