published Thursday, January 10th, 2013

Laugh Lines

Quickies

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?

A: If they lived by the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?

A: Blue paint.

Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Hey! Let's go ride bikes!

Q: Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

A: They're making headlines.

Q: What is the longest word in the dictionary?

A: The word smiles. There's a mile between each s.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the sky?

A: Nevermind, it's over your head.

Q: Did you hear the one about the skunk?

A: Forget it. It stinks.

Two horses

A ditsy woman has two horses, but she has a problem. She calls her friend and says, "I can't tell my horses apart, but the vet says I need to feed them different amounts. What can I do?"

The friend says, "OK, why don't you cut one horse's tail shorter than the other's."

The woman does this, but soon the tail grows back. She calls her friend again and asks for more advice.

He says, "Why don't you tie a ribbon around the neck of one of the horses?"

She does this, and that works for a couple of days, until the ribbon falls off while the horses are playing. She calls the friend again. This time he asks if she has tried measuring both horses to see if one is notably taller than the other.

The next day, the woman calls her friend and excitedly announces that she has great news.

"It worked! It worked!" she says. "I measured them like you told me to do, and the black horse is 2 inches taller than the white one!"

Wrong ID

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They sit down and have a few drinks, then the giraffe passes out. The man gets up to go.

The bartender says, "Hey, wait a minute. You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man says, "It's not a lion; it's a giraffe."

New beginning

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so?" says God. "Tell me."

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting," says God. "Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," God says. "Get your own dirt."

Chicken and frog

A chicken walks into a library, goes to the reference desk and tells the librarian, "Buk."

The librarian says, "What?"

Chicken says, "Buk."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"

Chicken says, "Buk!"

The librarian thinks this is kind of strange but reaches for the nearest volume and hands it to the chicken. The chicken takes the book, tucks it under its wing and hops off.

The next day, the chicken comes back into the library, comes up to the reference desk and looks up at the librarian again.

Chicken says, "Buk!"

The librarian says, "What?"

Chicken says, "Buk!"

The librarian says, "You want another book?"

Chicken says, "Buk!"

So the librarian shrugs and gives the chicken another book. Same as before, chicken takes the book and off he goes.

The next day, back comes the chicken, comes up to the librarian and says, "Buk!"

The librarian is more than a little curious at this point, so she gives the chicken another book, but when he leaves, she waits a little bit and follows him.

She follows him out of the library and down the street, way out to the edge of town with the chicken hopping along with a book tucked under his little wing.

Finally, he comes to the edge of a big swamp. The librarian crouches down and pushes aside the reeds. She watches as the chicken approaches a big bullfrog, sitting on a lily pad.

The chicken takes out the book and puts it down in front of the frog.

Chicken says, "Buk!"

Bullfrog says, "Rrrrrrredddit."

Past due

The wife says, "Honey, what are you looking for?"

The husband says, "Nothing."

The wife says, "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now."

The husband says, "Just looking for the expiration date."

Fish tale

A man goes fishing one morning but soon runs out of worms. He is about to go home when he sees a cottonmouth snake with a frog in its mouth. The fisherman knows that frogs are good bass bait, so he comes up with a plan.

Knowing the snake won't bite him with a frog in its mouth, he grabs the snake right behind the head, takes the frog and puts it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma is how to release the snake without getting bit. So the fisherman grabs a bottle of whiskey and pours some down the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes roll back, and he goes limp. The fisherman releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing with the frog.

The fisherman swears that, a little later, he feels a nudge on his foot. It's the snake, with two more frogs.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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