published Thursday, June 27th, 2013

Laugh Lines

Message received

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. He had put everything he had into his business, and it was failing. He owed everybody. The situation was so dire he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to a pastor and tearfully poured out his tale of woe.

When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do. Put a lounge chair and your Bible in your car, and drive down to the beach. Take the lounge chair and the Bible to the water's edge. Sit down in the lounge chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page, and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The pastor recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a lounge chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Game changer

This is said to be a true story about a Mississippi man named George.

George was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. He opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were intruders in the shed, stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

George said no and explained the situation. The dispatcher explained that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "OK," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes, three squad cars, an armed-response unit and an ambulance showed up. The burglars were caught red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

One of those days

Galileo: Great mind.

Einstein: Genius mind.

Newton: Extraordinary mind.

Bill Gates: Brilliant mind.

Me: Never mind.

Happy thoughts

A woman reminisces: "When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'Happy.' They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

Worth remembering

  • A woman is helpless only when her nail polish is drying.

  • You can't buy happiness, but you can buy cupcakes. And that's kind of the same thing.

  • Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are healthy. You're welcome.

  • Always believe in God. There are some questions that even Google can't answer.

  • Etc. A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

  • If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends. If she calls you drunk, she is yours. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

  • I don't get why people think drunk texts are so annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.

  • If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.

  • Successful parenting is finding '80s hair-band music on your kid's iPod.

  • Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick.

Not now

From 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'

Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley): "There will come a moment when you have the chance to do the right thing."

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp): "I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by."

Time puzzle

Three men wearing watches were at the top of a hill.

The first man threw his watch down the hill, and it broke.

The second man threw his watch down the hill, and it broke.

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom and caught it.

The other two men were incredulous. "How in the world did you do that?" one asked.

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Other National Articles

videos »         

photos »         

e-edition »

advertisement
advertisement

Find a Business

400 East 11th St., Chattanooga, TN 37403
General Information (423) 756-6900
Copyright, Permissions, Terms & Conditions, Privacy Policy, Ethics policy - Copyright ©2014, Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc. All rights reserved.
This document may not be reprinted without the express written permission of Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc.