Top 10 biblical television shows:
10. “Leviticus & Shirley”
9. “Gomorroh Five-O”
8. “Curb Your Polytheism”
7. “Abstinence and the City”
5. “I Dream of Jesus”
4. “Parks & Resurrection”
3. “Two and a Half Wise Men”
2. “The Big Bang Theory Is a Lie”
1. “(Stuff) My God Says”
Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”
Go and sing no more
These announcements, according to legend, actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. -- prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
• The associate minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his sister said.
"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny said. "The one Sunday I miss, he shows up."
So sayeth Pfizer
The pastor had called all the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, and had them sit around him.
He said, "Today is Easter, and you all look so handsome and beautiful, and today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand. The pastor nodded to the boy and said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
Proud that he knew the answer, the boy said in a clear, loud voice: "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
Boy No. 1: How did you get that bruise on your arm?
Boy No. 2: I ate some Easter candy.
Boy No. 1: Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise.
Boy No. 2: It will if it's your big brother's candy.
A woman is making pancakes for her kids, and the kids start arguing over who is going to get the first pancake. Deciding it's a good time for a morality lesson, she says to them, "You know, if Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake.' "
One of the brothers turns to the other and says, "OK, you be Jesus!"
Long time no see
An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.
Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or firstname.lastname@example.org.