published Thursday, May 2nd, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 things overheard at the George W. Bush Presidential Library dedication

10. "Is it ‘library’ or 'libary'?"

9. "On your right is the Hall of Unread Intelligence Memos."

8. "Where did you get that suit — Men’s Wearhouse?"

7. "They forgot to build an exit for the Afghanistan war exhibit."

6. "Hey, Cheney, slow down on the cocktail wieners."

5. "It's the only presidential library with a mechanical bull."

4. "What's Nixon doing here?"

3. "I'm missing golf for this crap?"

2. "Who knew Bush was born in Kenya?"

1. "Duck!"

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Quickie

Q: How many Realtors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten. But I think we can get them down to eight.

Animal crackers

Q: Why did the chicken say, “Meow, oink, woof, moo”?

A: It was studying foreign languages.

Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken.

A: It kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

Q: Why do cows wear bells?

A: Because their horns don’t work.

Q: What do you call a cow murder mystery?

A: A moo-done-it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

A: Beer.

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Q: What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?

A: Ruff.

Mayday

A girl says to her boyfriend, “One kiss, and I’ll be yours forever.”

He says, “Thanks for the warning.”

Bad husband

The wife says to her husband, “After all these years, you still carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?”

He says, “Yes, when there’s a problem, no matter how impossible it seems, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”

She says, “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”

He says, “Yes, I see your picture, and I say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be that’s greater than this one?’ ”

Easy options

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

Real change

A newcomer to the gym asks the trainer, “Which machine should I use to impress the women?”

The trainer points outside and says, “The ATM.”

Mapping a plan

Paul and Pauline are relating their vacation experiences to a friend.

“It sounds like you had a great time in Nevada,” the friend observes, “but didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Pennsylvania?”

“Well, uh, um,” Paul stammers, “we, um, uh, changed our plans.”

“What he’s trying to say,” says Pauline, “is that Paul will never stop and ask for directions.”

Middle half

A motorist involved in an accident is appearing before a judge. The magistrate says, “If you saw the lady driving toward you, why didn’t you give her half the road?”

The motorist says, “I was going to, your honor, as soon as I could figure out which half she wanted.”

Either/or

A newlywed couple are discussing their finances.

The wife says, “To stay on budget, you need to stop spending $75 a month on beer.”

He agrees, but a few days later, he finds a receipt where she has spent $75 on makeup.

He says, “How come I have to give up stuff, but you don’t?”

She says, “I need the makeup to look pretty for you.”

He says, “That’s what the beer was for.”

Current events

Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers:

“These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan (Tsarnaev) was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital.”

Simple misunderstandings

The judge is interviewing a woman about her pending divorce. He asks, “What exactly are the grounds for your claim?”

She replies, “Approximately four acres, with a nice little home in the middle of the property and a stream nearby.”

“No,” the judge replies, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responds promptly.

“I mean,” he sighs, “what are your relations like?”

“Ah, well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.”

The judge says, “Do you even have a grudge?”

“No, we don’t,” she says. “Just a carport.”

The judge takes a deep breath and tries again. “Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes,” the woman says.

“Ma’am,” the judge barks, his voice rising in irritation, “does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Oh, yes,” she responds. “About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asks, “Lady, can you tell me why you want a divorce.”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she says. “My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me.”

Honest answer

“How was school today?” a mother asks her son over dinner.

“We had a surprise test,” he answers.

“And?”

“I was really surprised.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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