DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10
Top 10 questions to ask yourself before spending $2 million on a painting of a naked Bea Arthur:10. "Should I discuss this with my therapist?"9. "Can it possibly live up to how I imagined her naked?"8. "What"s the catch?"7. "Is this auction clothing optional?"6. "Is this what people mean when they say, 'Dude, you"re into weird stuff"?"5. "How many more images of a naked Bea Arthur do I need?"4. "Why has no one snatched this up already?"3. "Will it go with my bronze statue of Shelley Winters?"2. "Can I have it delivered in time for Father"s Day?"1. "How much for just the frame?"
Furniture disease
Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he put on for a recent wedding.
The doctor said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc. I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "you must have a case of furniture disease."
"What in the world is furniture disease?" asked Max.
The doc said, "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
No time for that
The "Prairie Home Companion" joke site says this is a true story.
My mother has been an information desk volunteer at a local hospital for 30 years. Fifteen years ago, a distinguished-looking older gentleman walked up to the desk and was greeted by my mother, who asked how she could help.
The man said, "Do you have a Sexhauer?"
Without missing a beat, my mother said, "Sex hour? We barely have time for a 15-minute coffee break!"
The man responded, "Bill Sexhauer?"
Saving up
A very elderly man and a young woman checked into the bridal suite at a ritzy hotel. All the staff were giggling at the odd couple, but the next morning they were amazed when the man came down to the lobby full of vigor and enthusiasm but the young woman looked totally exhausted.
In response to their stares, she said "When he kept saying that he'd been saving up for his marriage for 70 years, I thought he meant money."
Bad robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did my schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, " 'Toy Story.' "
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching a porn flick."
Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Regional accents
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A: A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time ... ." A Southern fairy tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ... ."
Cup holder
Q: Why does the little mermaid wear a seashell bra?
A: Because a B-shell is too small, and a D-shell is too big.
Good advice
Q: What should you do if you get into a bar fight with a bunch of circus performers?
A: Go for the juggler.
Current events
From http://politicalhumor.about.com:
• "Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." - David Letterman
• "Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington - like the IRS, Benghazi and the FBI - it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." - David Letterman
• "This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God, those days are gone forever." - Jay Leno
• "This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?' " - Jay Leno
• "President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?' " - Jimmy Fallon
• "In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." - Conan O'Brien
• "Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.' " - Conan O'Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.