Not that label
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Ohio State!"
Quick quiz
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the email folder "Instruction Manuals."
Round and about
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the Earth round.
More surgery
A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day, the dog charged the postman.
"I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered."
"Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to make love to me."
Find a detour
A drunk man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle and sits down next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says with contempt, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Hungry snake
A fisherman arrives at the edge of the river and realizes he has forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happens to see a little snake passing by that has caught a worm. The fisherman snatches up to the snake and robs him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatches him up again and pours a little beer down his throat. Then he goes about his fishing.
An hour or so later, the fisherman feels a tug at his pant leg.
There beside him is the same snake, with three more worms in its mouth.
Sack of bills
Two bumbling burglars botch an after-hours bank robbery, but they manage to escape with two sacks they find on the floor. They each take a sack and quickly go their separate ways to avoid the authorities.
After several months pass, they meet again. One asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"I found more than 6 million rupees. I converted them to American dollars and bought a car and a house. How about your sack?"
"Bah, it was full of bills."
"And what did you do with them?"
"Well, little by little, I'm paying them off."
Current events
From politicalhumor.about.com:
* "Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter." - Jay Leno
"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really? How about lighting yourself on fire?" - Bill Maher
* "Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week - the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans." - Bill Maher
* "It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home." - Jay Leno
* "The U.N. General Assembly is here in New York City. Today, President Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, 'You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace.' And Obama said, 'Really?' and they said, 'No, but the look on your face was priceless.'" - Jimmy Fallon
* "Today's the annual grand opening of the U.N. We have leaders from all over the world, and when they come here they have diplomatic immunity. They can do whatever they want, break any kind of laws. I saw a dictator today walking up Broadway carrying a 16-ounce soda." - David Letterman
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.