published Thursday, October 24th, 2013

Punchlines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 things Americans said when the government reopened

10. "It was closed?"

9. "Is it under new management?"

8. "Nice going, guys! Treat yourselves to a vacation."

7. "No idea what was accomplished, but I assume I have to pay higher taxes."

6. "How will this affect funny race car drivers?"

5. "John McCain can get back to playing poker on his iPhone."

4. "Does this mean Ted Cruz will stop talking?"

3. "They don't pull this kind of crap in Belarus."

2. "Only four months till the next shutdown."

1. "Great — I just paid for Chinese lessons."

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Sign of the times

Here are some indicators your employer has changed to President Obama’s health-care plan:

* Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

* Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

* The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicles.

* The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

* The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

* Your primary-care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

* “The patient is responsible for 200 percent of out-of-network charges” is not a typographical error.

* The only expense covered 100 percent is embalming.

* Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

* You receive your notice that you are now a part-time employee instead of full-time.

Give it a minute

A preacher buys a lawn mower from a neighbor of his, but he can’t get it to run. He goes to his neighbor and says, “Why can’t I get the lawn mower to work?”

The neighbor says, “Oh, to get it to work, you have to curse it.”

The preacher says, “But I haven’t cursed in over 30 years!”

The neighbor says, “In that case, just keep trying to start it. It’ll all come back to you.”

Distance needed

Shared by Michael J. Costa on Facebook:

The Washington Redskins are to change their name, due to negative associations. From now on, they will be known as the Maryland Redskins.

Bubba knows all

An influential businessman has just hired good ol’ boy Bubba for a new job. The boss says, “So, Bubba, tell me a little about yourself.”

Bubba says, “Well, for one thing, I know everybody in the whole world.”

His boss is skeptical of this boast, of course. “Come on, Bubba,” he chides him. “You do not know everyone in the whole world.”

But Bubba insists, “Yes, I do.”

Bubba’s boss says, “Well, prove it.”

Bubba says, “Pick someone, and I bet I know them.”

Bubba’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. “Tom Selleck. I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck.”

Bubba says, “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in Boy Scouts together when we were kids.”

Bubba’s boss says, “No, you weren’t.”

Bubba says, “Yes, we were.”

So they get in the company jet and fly to Hollywood. They drive up to Tom Selleck’s house, Bubba knocks on the door, and Tom Selleck answers. Bubba goes “Tom!” and Tom goes “Bubba!” and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba’s boss can’t believe it. But then he thinks, “Well that could happen. It’s just one person.”

He expresses these doubts to Bubba, so Bubba says, “OK, pick somebody else.”

The boss thinks a minute, then says, “The president, Barack Obama. You don’t know President Obama.”

But Bubba says, “Oh, yes, I do. When I knew him, he was nicknamed Barry. We were on the debate team together in college.”

Bubba’s boss says, “No, you weren’t.”

Bubba says, “Yes, we were.”

So they fly to Washington, and they catch up with the president at a news conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Obama’s eye and waves. “Barack!,” he says. The president cries out “Bubba!” and waves back. After the news conference, they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba’s boss is stunned. He just can’t believe that backwoods Bubba is friends with two famous people.

Then he thinks, “Well, that’s just two people in one country. That doesn’t mean he knows everyone in the whole world.”

So he tells this to Bubba, and Bubba says, “OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum, and I bet I know them.”

Bubba’s boss says, “OK, the Pope. You do not know the Pope.”

Bubba says, “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me.”

Bubba’s boss says, “No, he didn’t.”

Bubba says “Yes, he did.”

So they fly to Rome, where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people.

They work their way through the crowd, without much luck. Finally, Bubba says, “Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these people, so I tell you what. I’ll work my way up there, and when I do, I’ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope.”

With that, he disappears into the crowd.

Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits. Just when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and, amazingly, Bubba is standing there with him.

By the time Bubba makes his way back through the crowd, his boss has passed out.

Bubba starts fanning him and coaxing him to wake up. Finally, his boss comes to, and Bubba asks what happened.

The boss says, “OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see President Obama. I can even take the Pope! But I couldn’t take hearing the guy next to me say, “Who’s that up there with Bubba?”

Underlying meaning

A man says to the minister after the service, “Your sermon today reminded me of the peace and mercy of God.”

The minister was quite flattered and asked the man to explain further.

He replied, “It passed all understanding, and it endured forever.”

No exit

Byron checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the reception desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I get out?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

Byron replies, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into a cupboard. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘Do not disturb’ sign on it.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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