published Thursday, September 5th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 reasons I love being in the United States Army (as delivered by soldiers):

• 10. You haven't lived until you've eaten rehydrated beef brisket.

• 9. Get to visit exotic places, like Trenton, N.J.

• 8. No can opener? Just run over the can with a tank.

• 7. Sir, you're never unsure how to begin and end a sentence, Sir.

• 6. Cutting-edge technology, like our machine that controls the weather.

• 5. I really, really, really enjoy push-ups.

• 4. In an Apache helicopter, you tend to have the right-of-way.

• 3. Always have an answer when someone says, "You and whose army?"

• 2. Camouflage brings out my eyes.

• 1. Working among the most talented men and women this country has to offer -- and the free haircuts.

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

You never know

A colleague reports:

I was mailing a box at the Red Bank post office, and the counter man launched into his preshipping spiel: Anything dangerous in the box -- poison, radioactive, caustic?

"No, just underwear," I said.

"Well, underwear isn't classified as hazardous," he said, pasting postage on the box.

From the back of the line, a male voice piped up.

"Oh, it can be," said the voice, with perfect comic inflection.

Everybody in line, plus the counter man, cracked up completely.

Plugged in

Google says, "I have everything."

Facebook says, "I know everybody."

The Internet says "Without me, you are nothing."

Electricity says, "Keep talking."

Too smart

The authorities are leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down to meet his fate.

The priest says he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.

They secure him in the guillotine, then raise and release the blade. It comes speeding down but suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. Again, it comes speeding down but suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "Wait! I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!"

Printer problems

A computer technician had been working his company's help desk for about a month when he had a customer call with a problem he just couldn't seem to solve.

The young lady said she could not print yellow, but all the other colors would print fine.

This news truly baffled the technician, because yellow is one of the true colors in printing, along with cyan and magenta. Green, for instance, is a combination of cyan and yellow, and green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine, except for yellow.

He had the customer change ink cartridges. He had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. He asked his co-workers for help. They offered no new ideas.

After more than two hours of troubleshooting, he was about to tell the customer to send in the printer for repair when she asked quietly, "Um, should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Two stuck blondes

A beautiful blonde walks up to a police officer and says, "Can you help me? I've locked my keys in my car."

The officer finds a coat hanger and feeds it through the window, moving it back and forth to catch the lock when suddenly, another blonde sitting in the passenger seat says, "A little more to the left, Officer."

Emergency call

Nurse: Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front steps. What should I do?

Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving.

Spare room

A man called a hotel and asked the clerk, "How much is a room?"

The clerk said, "It depends on the size of the room and the number of people."

"Do you take children?" the man asked.

The clerk said, "No sir. Only cash and credit cards."

Deadline

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink, killing each in rapid succession.

"Is everything OK, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" the guy replies.

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

The guy says, "Yeah, but today is the last day."

Read the sign

A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said the farmer. "Just do something about these drivers."

The next day, the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that read, "Slow -- School Crossing."

Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

The next day, the county put up a sign that read, "Slow -- Children at Play."

Again, no change.

So the farmer called again. This time, he told the sheriff, "Your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff agreed. Three weeks later, he realized he hadn't had another call from the farmer. He decided to give him a call to see how things were going.

"Did you put up your sign?" the sheriff asked when the farmer answered the phone.

"Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since. But I've got to go. I'm very busy."

He quickly hung up the phone.

The sheriff wondered what had finally worked for the farmer and decided he'd go have a look to see if it was something the department could use to slow down drivers.

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words, "Nudist Colony Ahead."

Sure shot

Two guys were in desperate need of cash, but they were small-time crooks and a bit cowardly. Finally, one suggested that they break into the Amish market. He figured that since the Amish were nonresistant that even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus, they carried out their plot.

But just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.

One crook shouted, "You can't shoot us. You're Amish."

Calmly, the Amish man said, "Boys, I would never do thee any harm, but you are standing where I am about to shoot."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

videos »         

photos »         

e-edition »

advertisement
advertisement

Find a Business

400 East 11th St., Chattanooga, TN 37403
General Information (423) 756-6900
Copyright, Permissions, Terms & Conditions, Privacy Policy, Ethics policy - Copyright ©2014, Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc. All rights reserved.
This document may not be reprinted without the express written permission of Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc.