published Thursday, September 12th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 thoughts going through Diana Nyad's mind while swimming from Cuba to Florida:

• 10. "Look at all you idiots on boats."

• 9. "Mmm, plankton!"

• 8. "(Forget) Florida, I'm swimming to San Francisco."

• 7. "Left, right, left, right, left, right."

• 6. "Now I know how Columbus felt when he swam from Europe to America."

• 5. "Whoops -- dropped my keys."

• 4. "Did I wait 30 minutes after eating?"

• 3. "Have to remember to check myself for barnacles."

• 2. "Someone look out for Florida so I don't hit my head."

• 1. "Still better than a Carnival cruise."

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

New outlook

It made the news recently that a woman has sued a hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in ophthalmology -- all we did was correct his eyesight."

Good news, bad news

Remember Archie Campbell's "Oh, that's good; no, that's bad" routines? David Knisley of Ooltewah has a similar story. Here's hoping his pastor has a sense of humor. He writes:

At our church, there is both good news and bad. The good news is that the church wanted to take up a special offering for missions. The bad news is that no one wanted to get up and make the announcement.

The good news is that someone volunteered to make the announcement. The bad news is that the someone was me.

The good news is that I worked hard preparing a speech, planning to end with a dramatic, sweeping gesture of my arm while saying, "Go into all the world." The bad news is my arm struck the microphone, knocking it off the stand.

The good news is that the microphone wasn't hurt. The bad news is that the microphone struck the stack of offering plates, flipping them over and scattering money all across the front of the church.

The good news is that people quickly began to help pick up the money. The bad news is that two little boys crammed some money into their pockets and started toward the door.

The good news is that the pastor saw them and gave chase. The bad news is that he tripped on the carpet. When he crashed to the floor, he let out the awfullest bad word you ever did hear.

The good news is that we are getting a new pastor. The bad news is that I tend to exaggerate just a tiny bit.

Collateral

A farmer wanted a loan for $500, so he went to the nearest small-town bank. The banker pulled out the loan application and asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take some jewelry to the city and sell it," said the farmer.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know what collateral means."

"Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1979 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head. "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Reluctantly, the banker agreed to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the farmer was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills. "Here's the money to pay off the loan," he said, handing back the entire amount, including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asked.

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it?" the banker asked.

"I don't know what deposit means."

"Well, you put the money in our bank, and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The farmer leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What have you got for collateral?"

Quick blonde joke

As told by Leroy Grant of Soddy-Daisy:

A blonde was driving her car down a country road when she saw another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a field. The blonde in the boat was rowing furiously but, of course, going nowhere.

The first blonde stopped her car and went to the edge of the field, yelling, "It's because of women like you that people tell blonde jokes. You're making the rest of us look bad.

"And if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind."

Syrian spotlight

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. It's going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with." -- David Letterman

• "John Kerry said it's 'undeniable' that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, 'Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.'" -- Jay Leno

• "President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there's talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution." -- Jay Leno

• "President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare." -- Jay Leno

• "All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike, but he insists he doesn't really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said, 'Yes and no.'" -- Jay Leno

• "If they approve (a military strike), it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare." -- Jay Leno

• "The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." -- Stephen Colbert

• "Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, 'What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?'" -- Craig Ferguson

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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