Laugh Lines

Quickie

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?

Joke.

Joke.

Jooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkke.

Points to ponder

From Leland Parrott:

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

• Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

• Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

• Why do tugboats push their barges?

• Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

• Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

• Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

• Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

• Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

• Why is bra singular and panties plural?

• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in suitcases?

• How come abbreviated is such a long word?

• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Crisis averted

Also from Parrott:

"I woke up this morning at 8 and could tell something was wrong. I went downstairs and found Alice face down on the kitchen floor ... not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered ... everything's going to be all right. Denny's serves breakfast until 11:30."

Man-speak, translated

• "It's a guy thing." Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

• "Can I help with dinner?" Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

• "It would take too long to explain." Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

• "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."

• "We're going to be late." Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

• "Take a break, honey; you're working too hard." Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

• "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."

• "That's women's work." Really means: "It's difficult, dirty and thankless."

• "You know how bad my memory is." Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

• "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal." Really means: "I have severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

• "I do help around the house." Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

• "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

• "I can't find it." Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Current events

Catching up on the news from late-night talk shows with politicalhumor.about.com:

• "Last week, Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why, last night, President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke." - Conan O'Brien

• "Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too." - Jay Leno

• "Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal." - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don't ... he'll give them another week." - Jay Leno

• "Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work." - Jay Leno

• "Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing." - David Letterman

• "President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC 'America's Got Talent' will be delayed by 'America's Got Problems.'" - Jay Leno

• "John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' Well, that should put the fear of God into them. 'If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won't even know what happened.'" - Jay Leno

• "While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman claims to have met Kim Jong-un's secret baby. Apparently nobody had the heart to tell Rodman that the secret baby he met is actually Kim Jong-un." - Conan O'Brien

• "If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers." - Jay Leno

• "Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." - Jimmy Fallon

• "On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' - which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'" - Jay Leno

• "Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don't know what they said, nobody does - except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden." - Jay Leno

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.