published Thursday, April 17th, 2014

PunchLines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 signs you’ve hired a bad Easter Bunny

(from 1998 archives)

10. For an Easter bunny, he sure has a lot of stories about being in prison.

9. With every hop, his bunny pants drop another inch.

8. He’s in his bunny suit ready to go — and it’s October.

7. Brags that he’s starring in own sitcom on the WB called “Bunny Bunny.”

6. When asked why there’s a hole in the bottom of his suit, he says, “Them eggs don’t lay themselves.”

5. He shows up wearing his Arby’s uniform and asks the kids to just “play along.”

4. His “tail” is just flounced up back hair.

3. He’s Jewish.

2. Cuts off his own foot, gives it to you saying, “This will bring you good luck.”

1. Two words: three ears.

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Postmortem

A guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbors’ pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead, and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors’ house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the man of the house is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stammers, “Um … no … um … what happened?”

The neighbor says, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. We buried him in the backyard.

“But the weird part is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and saw where someone dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.”

Riddles

Q: What happens if it rains on the Easter Bunny?

A: He uses a hare dryer.

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?

A: He was a little chicken.

Q: What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

A: A receding hare line.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: Tame way.

Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?

A: Deviled eggs.

Q: What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music?

A: Hip-hop.

Q: Why did the bunny build herself a new house?

A: She was fed up with the hole thing.

Q: Where do rabbits work?

A: IHOP restaurants.

Q: Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?

A: In a pellet court.

In the kitchen

A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

“What are you doing in there?” the woman asks.

The rabbit says, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m westing.”

At the movies

A man in a movie theater notices what appears to be a rabbit sitting in the row in front of him.

He leans over and whispers, “Are you a rabbit?”

“Yes,” the rabbit replies.

“What are you doing at the movies?”

The rabbit says, “Well, I liked the book.”

Naturally

Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?

He was charged with battery.

Standby

Every Easter, a church stages an elaborate pageant. One year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As they began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra.

“Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.”

“Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”

Church notices

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Cusworth to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Baptisms: After Easter, the north and south ends of the church will be utilized. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Actual wisdom

“Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.” — R.E. Shay

Pray if you must

Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Ernie, wait until we say grace,” demanded his father.

“I don’t have to,” the 5-year-old replied.

“Of course you do, Ernest,” his mother insisted, rather forcefully. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” said Ernie. “But this is Grandma’s house, and she knows how to cook.”

Chocolate rules

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

A box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one go. Isn’t that handy?

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Beans are considered a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category, too. Therefore chocolate is a vegetable.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Chocolate also contains milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

For a balanced diet, eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate.

If you can’t eat all of your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way at least you’ll get one thing done.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

videos »         

photos »         

e-edition »

advertisement
advertisement

Find a Business

400 East 11th St., Chattanooga, TN 37403
General Information (423) 756-6900
Copyright, Permissions, Terms & Conditions, Privacy Policy, Ethics policy - Copyright ©2014, Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc. All rights reserved.
This document may not be reprinted without the express written permission of Chattanooga Publishing Company, Inc.