published Thursday, April 24th, 2014

PunchLines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 least successful film sequels

10 - “The Godfather III Part II”

9 - “The Good, the Bad, the Ugly and Mitch”

8 - “Die Harderer”

7 - “The Thing 2: The Other Thing”

6 - “Kindergarten Cop: Chattanooga”

5 - “Wuthering Widths”

4 - “Back With The Wind”

3 - “Gigli 2: Getting Gigli With It”

2 - “High Noon-ish”

1 - “Gandhi II: Makeout Summer”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

What was that?

Two old women are talking.

One says, “My memory has gotten so bad.”

The other says, “How bad is it?”

The first one says, “How bad is what?”

(On the bright side, she was able to hide her own Easter eggs.)

Love potion

A woman is sipping on a glass of wine, relaxing on the porch with her husband, when she says, “I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

The husband chuckles. “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She says, “That’s me … talking to the wine.”

Yikes!

What happens when a woman has PMS and GPS?

She’s mean, and she will find you.

Adam and oops

Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” he called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

Astonished, the boy answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

New translation

A pastor had a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he would use the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.

The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” the congregation read from the program, “born of the Virgin Edna …”

Nary a one

Going over the finances, the church treasurer found a bill forwarded from a local paint store signed by someone named Christian. She wasn’t aware of anyone buying paint, so she called the store to point out its mistake.

“I’m sorry,” she told the manager, “but there are no Christians here at First Baptist Church.”

Lot to start

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

Lot more

The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

It is written

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.

One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

Cold shoulder

Pete approaches the ice cream truck and says, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream please.”

Rhoda, behind the counter replies, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” Pete continues, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”

“You don’t appear to understand, sir,” Rhoda sighs. “We have no chocolate.”

“Then just give me some chocolate,” Pete insists.

Getting angrier by the second, Rhoda grits her teeth and says, “Sir, will you spell ‘van,’ as in ‘vanilla?”’

Pete spells out, “V-A-N.”

“Now spell ‘straw,’ as in ‘strawberry.’”

“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Now,” Rhoda demands, “spell ‘stink,’ as in chocolate.”

Pete hesitates, rather confused, then replies, ‘There is no stink in chocolate.”

Rhoda says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

Great idea

Feeling stressed and edgy, a woman decided to take a hot bath. Just as she’d become comfortable, the front doorbell rang.

The woman got out of the tub, put on terrycloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped her head in a smaller towel and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if she needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the woman returned to the bath.

Just as she’d settled in, the doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the woman started for the door again. She took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell and hit her back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under her breath, the woman struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining her, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath.”

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like ‘Goodnight Kale,’ ‘James and the Giant Organic Peach’ and ‘The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.’” — Seth Meyers

“A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, ‘Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, ‘I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.’” — Seth Meyers

“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill.” — Conan O’Brien

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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