published Thursday, August 14th, 2014

Laugh Lines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 pet peeves of the ghost of Elvis

(from August 1989 archives)

10-Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.

9-Ghost of Leonardo da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I gave him.

8-When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.

7-7-Elevens in Netherworld don’t carry Ring Dings.

6-That pansy Casper.

5-Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.

4-All those strangers walking through my house.

3-A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he’s a “Ghostbuster.”

2-I wore capes before Batman made it hip.

1-Trying to get Ouija board to spell out “double order of ribs to go.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

RIP, Robin

A collection of quotes from Robin Williams’ comedy career:

• “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so. Look at the platypus.”

• “We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

• “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

• “You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.”

• “Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.”

• “If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

• “Cocaine is God’s way of saying that you’re making too much money.”

• “In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, ‘Stop, or I’ll say stop again.’”

• “Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table’s ready.’”

Change of plans

These are said to be actual complains received by British travel agency Thomas Cook Vacations from dissatisfied customers.

• I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams.

n It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.

• On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.

• We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.

• The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.

• We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white, but it was more yellow.

• They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband, who just wanted to relax.

• No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.

• Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers.

• We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.

• The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.

• It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.

• I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom, and ours was significantly smaller.

• The brochure stated: “No hairdressers at the resort.” We’re trainee hairdressers, and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.

• When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish; the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

• We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.

• It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

• I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

• My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Summer reading

The teacher says to Daisy, “Tell the class what book you read over the summer.”

Daisy says, “‘Black Beauty.’”

The teacher prompts, “And tell the class what it was about.”

Daisy says, “It was about 120 pages.”

One way it’s done

The teacher notices that Jimmy is drawing in his American Revolution textbook. She says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

Jimmy says, “Making my mark in history.”

Dress codes

Our school has a simple rule as a dress code. If your parents wouldn’t wear it, then you can’t.

We have a kid in class who dresses like a million bucks. Everything he wears is all wrinkled and green.

One guy wears a tie to school every day. Now if they could only get him to wear a shirt.

My parents are very relaxed. I can wear anything I want, provided I don’t leave the house.

All his books

The teacher asks Ronnie, “Who is your favorite author?”

Ronnie says, “George Washington.”

The teacher says, “But George Washington never wrote any books.”’

Ronnie says, “You got it.”

Good advice

As seen on Pinterest:

When a teacher wants to know if there are any questions, she doesn’t mean any question. She wants to be asked about the things she’s teaching. So if she’s teaching you about Mexico, don’t ask if “Bubbles” is a good name for a hamster.

Give it a shot

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her middle-school students, “Use a word 10 times, and it shall be yours for life.”

From somewhere in the back of the room came a male voice chanting, “Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda …”

Vivid ideas

A first-grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students. On it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.

When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple.

“How often have you seen a purple frog?” the teacher scolded.

The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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