Punchlines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 recent scientific discoveries:(from October 2013 archives)10. Monkey's lacking opposable thumbs can be trained to hitchhike.9. The most addictive chemical on Earth is thin mint.8. 70 percent of the Earth's surface is covered by Duane Reades.7. Just one ingredient separates Elmer's glue from Hellmann's mayonnaise.6. The smallest adult, human male ever known to science: Matt Lauer.5. Classical music makes plants grow snootier.4. The average postage stamp contains 6 grams of fat.3. The most common blood type in the world is red.2. Plants enjoy photosynthesis well into their 60s.1. The only guaranteed cure for hiccups is death.Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Rough town

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman pours it, the cowboy looks around and realizes they're the only two there.

"Where is everybody?" he says.

"Gone to the hanging," says the barman.

"Hanging?" says the cowboy. "Who they hanging?"

"Brownpaper Pete," replies the barman.

"Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?"

"Well," says the barman. "His hat's made of brown paper, his shirt's made of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper and his trousers are made of brown paper."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "What they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

No doze

Teacher: Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Craig: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter I could.

Sassy but brilliant

The teacher pointed a ruler at a smart-aleck kid and said, "At the end of this ruler, there's an idiot."

The kid got detention for asking, "Which end?"

Counted out

Billy Bob sees his friend Bubba walking up the road, carrying a bag over his shoulder.

"Bubba, what you got in that bag?" he asks.

Bubba says, "I got me some chickens in this here bag!"

Billy Bob says, "Bubba, if I guess how many chickens you got in that there bag, can I have half of them?"

Bubba says, "Billy Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in this here bag, you can have them both!"

Billy Bob thinks for a minute and says, "Seven!"

Different beat

Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

From across the canyon, they hear a voice call out, "HE'S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!"

Madness

Two cows are grazing in the field, when one says,"Hey man, I've been hearing a lot of bad stuff lately. Are you worried about this mad cow disease?"

The other cow, starts to spin around with his hooves extended and says, "Not me, man. I'm a helicopter."

Drop-dead gorgeous

A 55-year-old woman is having surgery. While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience and talks to God. He tells her that she need not worry, that she is going to live another 35 years, 11 months and 16 days.

When she is resuscitated, she remembers what God has said and decides to freely live out the remainder of her life. So she schedules a liposuction, face lift, boob job and multiple Botox treatments.

Two months after her surgeries, the woman is walking across the street and gets hit by a bus. When she gets to heaven, she asks God why he let her die when he had told her she wasn't going to for 35 more years.

God says, "Giiirrrlll, I didn't even recognize you!"

Court proceedings

These are said to be taken from actual court transcripts:

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?"

Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "How old are you?"

Witness: "Oral."


Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"


Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."


Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "How many were boys?"

Witness: "None."

Lawyer: "Were there girls?"


Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"

Witness: "I'll be three months on Nov. 8."

Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

Witness: "That's me."

Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"


Lawyer: "What happened then?"

Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"

Witness: "No."


Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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