Dave Letterman's Top 10
Top 10 thoughts going through a lifeguard's mind on a typical day(from 2013 archives)10"Just had lunch, so I'll wait another 30 minutes before rescuing someone."9"Shark! No, wait - that's a guy with a hump."8"Americans are more buoyant than ever."7"I love being half-naked and staring at people."6"How long was I asleep?"5 "The seagulls are talking to me."4"Give me a second; I'm working on my tan."3"Getting paid to sit on a chair and do nothing? I'm Letterman."2"Maybe I should be facing the water."1"'Help' or 'kelp' - who cares?"Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
One, two, free
The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
Trevor, a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four."
State-wise
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the fourth-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that, in his day, students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."
God bless America
A teacher was talking to her class about the Mason-Dixon line. She then asked, "What does this line divide?"
A student replied, "This line divides the 'you all' from the 'youse guys' people of America."
Signs you're in America
A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
People use voicemail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
Drive-up ATMs feature Braille lettering.
Plane ride
Each year, Fred and Edna went to their town's Fourth of July celebration, which always included airplane rides.
Every year, Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would answer, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10."
One year Fred and Edna went to the celebration, and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."
Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's $10."
Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but $10 is $10."
Hard-to-find books
"How To Become President" by Paul O'Ticks
"Parts of the National Anthem" by Homer D. Brave and José Kanusee
"Coming to America" by Anita Greencard
Riddles
Q: How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
A: The hot dogs were bad, but the brats were the wurst.
Q: What's red, white, black and blue?
A: Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing. It just waved.
Q: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?
A: Because she can't sit down.
Q: What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small, curly-haired dog?
A: Yankee poodle.
Q: What march would you play at a jungle parade?
A: Tarzan Stripes Forever.
Q: What famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?
A: Aretha Franklin.
Q: Why are there no knock-knock jokes about independence?
A: Because freedom rings.
Freedom of speech
Daniel Kurtzman has collected photos of some of the funniest protest signs for various causes at politicalhumor.about.com.
I'm so angry, I made a sign.
In 1492, Native Americans discovered Columbus lost at sea.
Immigrants have always been a problem ... Ask any Native American.
What do we want?! Respectful discourse. When do we want it?! Now would be agreeable to me, but I am interested in your opinion.
War: The only way Americans learn geography.
Get a brain! Morans. Go USA.
No illegals, no burritos. (You better think twice, America.)
Jose didn't take your job. Goldman Sachs did.
Thou shalt not mess with women's reproductive rights. - Fallopians 4:28
If you cut off my reproductive choice, can I cut off yours?
You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out.
Can't we just throw Congress off the fiscal cliff?
You know things are messed up when librarians start marching.
As Jesus said about gay people: " ."
Three words that will save the economy: Gay. Bridal. Registry.
If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies.
My two moms can beat up your 14 wives.
Free bungee jumps for Congress. No strings attached.
Put the politicians on minimum wage and see how fast things change.
Can't we all just get a bong?
Legalize marijuana. Quickly, before they search my fanny pack!
What do we want? Time travel. When do we want it? It's irrelevant!
From Rose City Park United Methodist Church sign in Portland, Ore.: God prefers kind atheists over hateful Christians.
From "The Daily Show": Jon Stewart's first sign: I'm not afraid of Muslims / Tea Partiers / Socialists / Immigrants / Gun Owners / Gays. His second sign: But I am scared of spiders.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.