published Thursday, July 10th, 2014

Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 things that will get you banned from a zoo

10 Groping the anaconda.

9 Strangling the gopher.

8 Hiding the prairie dog.

7 Criticizing owls for not saying “whom.”

6 Teaching monkeys to smoke.

5 Failing to turn down your radio when you call in. (Sorry, that will get you banned from “A Morning Zoo.”)

4 Card counting.

3 Coloring in the zebra.

2 Hiding weed in a kangaroo.

1 Asking bird handlers about peckers.

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Vocab rehab

Some new definitions to expand your vocabulary.

Arbitraitor: A cook who leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees through.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiter: Kitchen cabinet installer.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a man in a boat does.

Left bank: What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

Paradigms: 20 cents.

Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: A helper on a farm.

Polarize: What penguins see through.

Primate: How to remove your spouse from in front of TV.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

Singing vs. signing

A man in a bar notices a group of people using sign language. He also sees that the bartender is using sign language to communicate with them.

When the bartender brings him another drink, the man asks how he has learned to use sign language. The bartender explains that these are regular customers and they’ve taught him to speak in sign. The man thinks this is great.

A few minutes later, the man watches as the people in the group begin waving their hands around wildly. The bartender looks over and signs, “Now cut that out! I warned you!” And he throws the group out of the bar.

The man says, “What was all that about?”

The bartender says, “If I’ve told them once, I’ve told them 100 times — NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

Talking dog

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The bartender quickly takes the bet.

The owner says to the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps the rain from coming inside?”

The dog answers, “Roof.”

The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

The dog’s owner says, “How about double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.”

The bartender agrees, and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?”

The dog answers, “Ruth.”

With that, the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

Wrong house

Every night after dinner, Harry takes off for the local watering hole. He spends the whole evening there and always arrives home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually has trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and can’t get the door open. And every time this happens, his wife goes to the door and lets him in. Then she yells and screams at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry continues his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife is talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.

The friend suggests, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.”

The wife thinks it’s worth a try.

That night, Harry takes off again after dinner. And about midnight, he arrives home in his usual condition.

His wife hears him at the door. She quickly opens it and lets Harry in. Instead of berating him as she has always done, this time she takes his arm and leads him into the living room. She sits Harry down in an easy chair, puts his feet up on the footstool and takes his shoes off.

Then she goes behind him and starts to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispers to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Harry replies in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

Numbers game

A man in a grocery store walks into the 10-item lane with several more items than the maximum limit in his cart.

The cashier says, “Hey, this is a 10-item lane. You have at least 20.”

The man replies, “10, 20, what’s the difference?”

The cashier reluctantly rings up the purchase. As the man receives his change, he says, “Hey, you owe me $20 back, not $10.”

The cashier says, “10, 20, what’s the difference?”

Silly riddles

Q: What did one candle say to the other candle?

A: Are you going out tonight?

Q: What is the difference between weather and climate?

A: You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

Q: What did the magnet say to the nail?

A: I find you very attractive.

Q: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

A: Because it was hotter than 90 degrees outside.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

A: I’ll meet you at the corner.

Dumb luck

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that because he is wearing his seat belt, he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks.

The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that moment, his wife, who is seated next to him, chimes in, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart-aleck when he’s drunk.”

This awakens the guy in the backseat. When he sees the cop, he blurts out, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”

At that moment, there’s a knock from the trunk and a voice asks, “Are we over the border yet?”

Big winner

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

His wife responds, “Take my half and leave you.”

“Great,” he says. “Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday. Keep in touch!”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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