published Thursday, July 24th, 2014

Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 things said by a crazy customer service representative

10 “How’d you get this number?!”

9 “For each question you ask, I’ll remove an article of clothing.”

8 “Are you breaking up with me?!”

7 “Hang on — spilled my beer.”

6 “Press ‘1’ to speak to my alter-ego, Super Tom!”

5 “To continue in Spanish, move to Mexico.”

4 “Excuse my whispering, “I mustn’t wake Mother.”

3 “Let’s talk about MY problems.”

2 “To access your account, I’ll need your name, phone number and inseam.”

1 “What’s your address? I’m coming over.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Extended stay

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those who have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” says the group leader.

One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader says.

One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly, “I would go to my mother-in-law’s house for the four weeks.”

The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

He says, “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

Uninformed

A ditzy woman goes into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams down a book and screams at the librarian, “This is the worst book I’ve ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!”

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, “So you’re the one who took our phone book.”

Jackpot

And the ditzy woman goes up to the soda machine, puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again.

A man waiting in line behind her asks, “Why are you taking so long?”

She says, “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

Drink orders

Three ditzy women walk into a bar.

The first says to the bartender “I’ll have a B and C.”

“What’s a B and C?” asks the bartender.

“Bourbon and Coke,” she replies.

“I’ll have a G and T,” says the second woman.

“What’s a G and T?” asks the bartender.

“Gin and tonic,” she replies.

“I’ll have a 15,” says the third woman.

“What’s a 15?” asks the bartender.

She rolls her eyes and says,”Duh, a 7 and 7.”

Good directions

Two police officers see an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink, but instead of taking her to jail, they decide to show some compassion and drive her home.

They load her into the police cruiser, and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drive through the streets, they keep asking the woman where she lives. In her stupor, she simply gazes at the officer seated beside her, strokes his arm and says, “You’re passionate.”

They drive awhile longer and ask again. Again, it’s the same response. She strokes his arm and says, “You’re passionate.”

The officers are getting a little upset, so they stop the car and tell the woman, “Look, we’ve driven you around this neighborhood for almost an hour, and you still haven’t told us where you live.”

“Yesh, I did,” she slurs. “I kept trying to tell you, ‘You’re pashin’ it.’”

Day off

Two factory workers are talking about how much they’d like a day off.

The woman says, “I bet I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

When she sees the boss coming, she climbs up into the rafters and hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss sees her and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss says, “You’ve been working so much you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

She climbs down and starts out the door. The man starts to follow her.

The boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Connect the dots

Three men are at the gates of heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today. If you died a horrible death, you’re in for free.”

So God asks the first man his story.

The man says, “I was a hard-working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and thinking my suspicions were right, I waited a few minutes to catch them in the act.

“Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight.

“I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.”

God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.”

The second man says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the ledge below mine.

“After a few minutes, a man appeared overhead and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!”

God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death. You are free to enter as well.”

God turns to the third man, who says, “I died naked in a fridge.”

Riddles

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

Q: You’re in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?

A: Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! You’re out!

Q: What did the old horse say when it fell?

A: I’ve fallen, and I can’t giddy-up.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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