published Thursday, July 31st, 2014

Punchlines

Riddle

Thanks to Jim Hoffer of Ringgold, Ga., for this one.

Q: Where does decaf come from?

A: Decow.

Stupid but funny

A selection from BuzzFeed.com:

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian.

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish.

What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.

How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1.

Knock knock. Who’s there. Britney Spears. Britney Spears who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Britney Spears. Britney Spears who? Oops, I did it again.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

How is imitation like a plateau? They’re both the highest form of flattery.

A magician was driving down the street. Then he turned into a driveway.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

I tried to take a photograph of some fog. Mist.

Good dog

A nugget from comedian Doug Benson:

“I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, ‘I bite.’ And I was like, ‘That is good to know, doggy, but that’s not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, ‘I make signs.’”

On the hunt

An acquaintance observes: “I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.”

Remember

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Unrecognizable

The golfer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he’d noticed that the club professional had been watching.

“What club should I use now?” he asked the pro.

“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”

Hunt club

Ted: I used to hunt grizzly bears with a club.

Ed: I don’t believe that.

Ted: Why not?

Ed: Because it’s too dangerous, hunting grizzly bears with a club.

Ted: Well, I don’t do it anymore, anyway.

Ed: Why not?

Ted: The membership fees got too high.

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.” — Craig Ferguson

“Queen Elizabeth’s horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse’s urine sample with Prince Harry’s.” — Craig Ferguson

“President Kennedy said let’s put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays, a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a Cronut.” — David Letterman

“When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: ‘Out of my way, Buzz!’ Whack!” — David Letterman

“A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it — unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.” — Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word ‘poll.’” — Seth Meyers

“Before the incursion that started yesterday, the Israelis agreed to a five-hour cease-fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food. How Jewish is that? ‘We’re going to attack you, but first you should eat.’” — Bill Maher

“People love the new Pope, but I think it’s safe to say he’s gone crazy. Now he’s thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking ‘Real Housewives of the Vatican?’” — David Letterman

“I don’t know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?” — David Letterman

“Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, ‘10, 9, 8…’” — Seth Meyers

“The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America.” — Seth Meyers

“And maybe that’s why the FCC just announced that it wants to overhaul the Emergency Alert System so President Obama would be able to interrupt any TV broadcast and address the country instantly. Which of course raises the question: He can’t do that ALREADY?” — Jimmy Fallon

“They want to make it so the president can instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there’s breaking news. Then Obama said, ‘And I mean REAL breaking news, not that CNN stuff.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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