published Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Punchlines

Top 10 products endorsed by Dr. Oz

10 Fat-burning mayonnaise

9 Contraceptive grout

8 Swedish Nyquil balls

7 Spray-on abs

6 Tincture of Oprah

5 Nonstick Band-Aids

4 Weight-loss fedora

3 Self-inflating latex glove

2 Appendix- Be-Gone

1 Self-locking duck gates

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Tough guy

Because it’s Man Xpo weekend — and as a favor to Roy Hunsucker, who suggested these a while back — a collection of jokes about “Walker, Texas Ranger” and “Delta Force” star Chuck Norris. Except they’re not jokes. It’s Chuck Norris. They’re all true.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Fear of spiders is arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead. It is just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris once got bitten by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattlesnake died.

When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King — and got one.

Chuck Norris wasn’t born. Chuck Norris was unleashed.

Chuck Norris is never late. Time is just early.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a shirt or shoes for service.

Chuck Norris gets the joke before it’s told.

Only one register is open at Walmart because the rest are hiding from Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris made two wrongs, it would make a right, but Chuck Norris makes no wrongs.

Chuck Norris scratches his back with a circular saw.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade. It killed 50 people. Then it blew up.

The secret ingredient in all of today’s energy/power drinks is that they all contain small droplets of Chuck Norris’ sweat.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sweat. Water condenses on him because of how cool he is.

Chuck Norris can catch a Frisbee with his left eyebrow.

Chuck Norris is not politically correct. He’s just correct. Always.

Chuck Norris is pain’s middle name.

The perfect bedtime story goes like this: Once upon a time, Chuck Norris. The end.

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“A Tea Party candidate won Virginia’s Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state’s slogan from ‘Virginia is for lovers’ to ‘Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.’” — Conan O’Brien

“Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.” — Jimmy Fallon

“This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, ‘So, they finally got Hillary?’” — Conan O’Brien

“Last night Hillary Clinton said she won’t support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn’t respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida and the great state of Pennsylvania.” — Seth Meyers

“French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, ‘You’ll figure it out.’” — Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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