Dave Letterman's Top 10
Top 10 terms never before searched for on the InternetHow to turn on computerAmish singlesHow much do you tip animals at the zoo?Timeshares in PyongyangPeople wearing horizontal stripes"Save Radio Shack" petitionMen's Wearhouse guy nakedElderly man drinking raw eggs (video of Letterman and Sylvester Stallone drinking raw eggs)Knicks playoff ticketsChris Christie absSource: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Quickies
Q: What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy-up.
Q: Why can't a pony sing?
A: Because it's a little horse.
Q: What did the fish say when it posted bail?
A: I'm off the hook.
Q: What do wooden whales eat?
A: Plankton.
Q: What happened to the frog that parked in the wrong spot?
A: He got toad.
Q: What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
A: Bird flu requires tweetment. For swine flu, you need oinkment.
Magic potion
Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that promised eternal youth. Officers discovered it was the fourth time he had been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
Not the standard
A crusty old Marine sergeant major finds himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There is no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approaches the sergeant major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, says, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The sergeant major just stares at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady says, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She takes his hand and leads him to a private room, deciding it's her civic duty to help this tough old military man relax.
Afterward, panting for breath, she collapses against his bare chest and says, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major glances at his watch and says, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
An opportunity he can't refuse
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "If he doesn't answer, I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Current events
From politicalhumor.about.com:
"A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America." - Jimmy Fallon
"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today, Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." - Seth Meyers
"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today, John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, 'This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!' And then someone said, 'We have a layover - this is LaGuardia Airport.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn't have an option for voting against the plan - it lets people vote for joining Russia now or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, 'iTunes user agreement.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"Vladimir Putin, while all this is going on, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. People were shocked until they found out that the head of the nominating committee was Kim Jong Un." - Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a 'thug,' and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, 'My friend here will take care of you.'" -Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.