published Thursday, May 1st, 2014

Punch Lines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 ways to impress someone on a first date

10 Invite mom along to talk you up.

9 Encourage your date to have any Value Meal she wants.

8 Playfully try to guess her dress size.

7 Unless your name is Vince, don’t act all Vince-y.

6 Tell her you flew out of Albuquerque.

5 Don’t mention you invaded Ukraine (Vladimir Putin only).

4 Suggest going somewhere quiet, like a cemetery or rock quarry.

3 Bring reference letters from your exes.

2 Show you’re street smart by asking if she’s a cop.

1 Walk her home,and if it feels right, kiss her pets.

Secret to happiness

Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar was asking everybody how long they had been married. When it was Jerry’s turn, he said that he had been married for almost 50 years.

“Wow,” the leader gushed, “that’s amazing. “Perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody on how you’ve stay married to the same woman for so long.”

“Well,” Jerry said, after thinking for a few moments, “I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips. Best of all, for our 25th anniversary, I took her to the Bahamas.”

“Well, that’s really beautiful and a true inspiration for all of us,” the seminar leader said. “Maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary.”

Jerry said, “Well, I’m thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up.”

Full circle

Dr. Herbert calls one of his patients and says, “Mrs. Hanks, your check has returned.”

Mrs. Hanks says, “So has my back pain.”

Bon appetit

A couple walked into a cheap-looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down in an empty booth, they noticed there were crumbs on the table and the seat. They wiped the crumbs off and sat down.

A waitress came over, asking them what they wanted.

“I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man.

“Me, too” said the woman, “and make sure the cup is clean.”

In a moment, the waitress returned with their drinks.

“OK” she said, “which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

Different diagnosis

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor. “There is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be,” fumed the old man. “You obviously don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Easy,” said the old man. “My other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age.”

Your thoughts?

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you. I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin, and now he’s already 3.

“It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen.

“You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just look at him. Isn’t he adorable? Do you see the dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

“Oh, my, and you should hear him on the phone. He is just the cutest. He says to me in the cutest voice, ‘Hi Grandma!’ It just gets me all teary-eyed.”

And on and on she gushed.

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.

“You know, I feel terrible,” she told her fellow passenger. “Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise. Tell me … what do you think about my grandson?”

Pork plate

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.

So one summer day, he told his members he was going on a vacation. He loaded a suitcase into his car, but rather than head out of town, he drove to the nearest restaurant.

After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking toward him.

At that same moment, the waiter walked over with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” said the leader after only a moment’s pause.

“All I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with.”

Diaper duty

A couple had their first baby. After a week or so, the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping, leaving the little baby with the proud father.

It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half-hour in desperation, he packed up the little one and went to the doctor.

After checking all of the regular things, the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper.

“I don’t understand,” the perplexed father said. “I knew it was dirty, but the box the diapers came in said specifically that they were good up to 8 pounds.”

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, ‘Beat you to it.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Apple will recycle its used products for free. That’s not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The Christian Science Monitor is claiming ‘Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.’ And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket, there’s a tad less sand on the beach.” — Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.” — David Letterman

“Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, ‘There’s only one way to find out.’” —Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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