published Thursday, May 22nd, 2014

Punchlines

Holiday flame-thrower

Comedian HogWild offers the following advice for the Ultimate HogWild Memorial Day Barbecue at HogWild.net.

A real man uses black charcoal from a 245-pound bag. He squeezes a pint of lighter fluid onto the charcoal. Then he lights a match by striking it against one of the following surfaces:

1 — he concrete sidewalk.

2 — The side of his house.

3 — The stubble on his face.

The flames should shoot up to about 1 half of 1 inch from his eyebrows. In fact, any man that still has all his eyebrows is not a man who has grilled.

At this point, a man squirts another 3 quarts of lighter fluid on the fire. Why? Because it’s cool.

Feeding time

A retired veteran living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond for swimming in the back, fixed up nice, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and an American flag blowing from atop a tall pole.

One evening the old veteran decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old veteran frowned. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked,” he said, holding up the bucket. “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Moral of the story: Old veterans can still think fast to get their way.

Gator bait

A retiring lieutenant colonel in Louisiana throws a party and invites all of his Army buddies and neighbors.

He also invites his Jeep driver, Sgt. Boudreaux, the only Cajun in the party’s crowd. He has the party around the pool in his backyard, but he warns everyone not to go swimming. Everyone is having a real good time drinking, dancing, flirting and eating shrimp, oysters and barbecue.

At the height of the party, the lieutenant colonel says, “Down there in the deep end of the pool is a 12-foot, man-eating gator, and I’ll give a $1,000 to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words are barely out of his mouth when there’s a loud splash. Everyone turns around to see Sgt. Boudreaux in the pool.

Boudreaux is fighting the gator with all his might and actually getting the best of the beast. He jabs the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throws punches, tries head-butts and choke-holds, bites the gator on the tail and flips the gator through the air like a judo instructor. The water is churning and slashing everywhere.

Finally, Boudreaux strangles the gator and lets it float to the top. Boudreaux then slowly climbs out of the pool. Everybody stares at him in disbelief.

The lieutenant colonel says, “Well, Sgt. Boudreaux, I reckon I owe you $1,000.”

“No, that’s OK. I don’t want it,” replies Boudreaux.

The lieutenant colonel says, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about $500.”

“No, thanks. I don’t want it,” answers Boudreaux.

The lieutenant colonel again says, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about my Rolex watch?”

Again Boudreaux declines.

Confused, the Lieutenant colonel asks, “Well then, Sgt. Boudreaux, what do you want?”

Sgt Boudreaux replies, “I just want the name of the guy who pushed me in the pool.”

Queue up

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again.”

Who are you?

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Take care, Ricky

Enlistment

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?”

“My father said it’d be a good idea, Sir,” he replied

“Oh? And what does your father do?” asked the doctor.

The recruit responded, “He’s in the Army, Sir.”

Serious talk

Country singer Craig Morgan has a photo of a sign bearing this message on his Facebook page.

Our flag does not fly because the wind moves it.

It flies with the last breath of each soldier who died protecting it.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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