PunchLines

Reeling 'em in

The rain was pouring, and there was a big puddle in front of the bar. A raggedly dressed old bum was standing there with a rod, hanging a string into the puddle. A slightly tipsy, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the bum answered.

"Poor old fool," the gentleman thought and he invited the bum to a drink in the bar.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth," the bum said.

To your health

The local television station is conducting an interview with 101 year-old Hattie.

The reporter says, "Can you give us some health tips for reaching your advanced age?"

Hattie says, "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps."

The reporter says, "When do you drink water?"

Hattie says, "I've never been that sick."

Quick quiz

Q: How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: A Brazilian.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

A: About halfway.

Q: Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Observations

• My grandpa has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

• If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.

• When my Granddad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit. He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

BYOP

A squirrel living in a pine tree one day feels a shaking, looks down and sees an elephant on his way up. The squirrel asks, "What are you doing climbing my tree?"

The elephant says, "I'm coming up here to eat some pears."

The squirrel says, "You dummy, this is a pine tree. There are no pears."

The elephant says, "Well, I brought my own pears."

Around the world

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group," but you can't come in here without a Thai. "

Current events

Election results weren't known by press time, but here's how the late-night pundits have been tracking the progress of the midterm contests, as recorded at politicalhumor.about.com.

• "A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections ... . But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results." - Jimmy Fallon

• "Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones." - Jimmy Fallon

• "People running for re-election are distancing themselves from President Obama. He's very lonely. He has no close friends in the White House. In fact, an intruder hopped the fence on Sunday, made it all the way to White House and Obama begged him to stay and watch football." - David Letterman

• "President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, 'You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he's not trying to campaign for us.'" - Jimmy Fallon

• "Over the weekend President Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. Then when asked about the Democrats' chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, 'Man, that Ebola sure is scary.'" - Conan O'Brien

"During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there's anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it's a guy who lost three times." - Jimmy Fallon

• "While Mitt Romney was in Nebraska at a campaign rally to support a local Senate candidate this week, the crowd started chanting, "Run, Mitt, Run." And now, nobody can find Mitt Romney." - Seth Meyers

• "Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." - Seth Meyers

• "Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models - just as our forefathers intended." - Conan O'Brien

• "House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" - David Letterman

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including readers submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.